It Is Accomplished III

(continued from here)

6:22 p.m. The farcical kabuki that the rag doll could prevail in Pennsylvania is over. With about two votes counted, Fox Radio News has called the state for Obama. The announcer relayed this news in the same tones as he would adopt if he just heard that his son had perished in an automobile accident. Similarly, the pathetic delusion that the people of Michigan might hug Ass Backwards to their bosoms, that too is over. And Wisconsin, home of defeated vice-presidential nominee Paul Ryan, has likewise been Obamaed, despite stubborn hallucinations in recent days that it might go GOoPer. The Fox Radio News people have pronounced the situation for Captain Underpants “dire.” With Obama maintaining a lead in Florida with 68% of the votes counted, this thing may officially go “the party’s over” before the polls close out on the west coast.

6:51 p.m. In the coming days and weeks will come many Realities seeking to explain why the rag doll stayed limp. Few may be as puckish as that offered by a New York Times writer, who asserts that the deciding factor was: Bruce Springsteen.

The kingmaker in the 2012 presidential election? Why, The Boss, of course. In the way that the first flutters of a butterfly’s wing in Africa can set loose a chain of events that leads to a hurricane, Gov. Chris Christie’s long odyssey to meet his idol Bruce Springsteen may turn out to be the thing that decided the race.

Stay with me here: Christie worships Springsteen, and has been to 130 concerts, but his fan love has never been returned. As a lifelong pilgrim in the Church of Bruuuuuce, he cites lyrics at the oddest of public occasions, does air guitar riffs in his down time, and swaps fetishist stories of bootleg tapes.

When he was elected governor in 2009, he so wanted the Springsteen soundtrack to be a part of his triumph—but he was spurned.

When Christie, to the surprise of right-wing absolutists, embraced and praised President Obama for his quick response to the devastation of Hurricane Sandy, many conspiracy theorists thought he was playing for 2016. The idea was, it would be better to have an open race for president than to wait out the second term of the man for whom he has been a chief surrogate, Mitt Romney.

And yet, there seems to have been another more complex (and more obvious) motive in play.

I told my friends, only half in jest, that Christie was really after a chance to meet Springsteen. That he would do anything, even kill the momentum of his party’s nominee, for a bromance with Jersey’s favorite son. This would explain why he was playing nice. Sure enough, on Monday, during his now-daily call to Christie, the president handed the phone off to Springsteen. The governor may never clean that ear again.

A few days earlier, he had met Springsteen at the benefit concert in New York. Afterward, Christie went home and wept.

“We hugged,” Christie said at a news conference on Monday. “He told me it’s official: we’re friends.”

So the Boss loves the new Big Man. “I’ll treasure it forever,” Christie added.

Now: the exit polls show the hurricane had only a minor effect on voter attitudes. But if, as many believe, the chance for Obama to appear bipartisan and presidential in the last week of the campaign with one of his most strident critics was just enough to tip independent voters in swing states — well, I rest my case.

In that case, it wasn’t Sandy that determined the election. It was the man who wrote “Sandy.”

Of course, this embrace may doom Christie among the party base; those elephants never forget. Rush Limbaugh, the most mean-spirited among the knuckle-draggers, called Christie “fat” and “a fool” last week. I have a feeling Christie would say that’s a small price to pay for the chance to meet Springsteen.

Rush Limbaugh called somebody else “fat” and “a fool”? Oh projection. Thee is unerring.

6:57 p.m. With the news that New Hampshire—another state the Underpants loyalists had hallucinated would go for their man—has cleaved to the black man, the Fox Radio News people have announced that although “the fat lady has not sung, she is warming up.”

7:20 p.m. A Fox Radio News woman is veritably weeping that New Mexico has gone for the black man, bemoaning that “it used to be a state that was a little more conservative.” Yes, but voting there now are brown people, and oo-ee-oo white people. It is the future, for the Americans.

7:35 p.m. Texas has voted for Captain Underpants. But I am confused. Is Texas still in the United States?

7:51 p.m. BULLETIN I have just received an advance copy of Captain Underpants’ concession speech. He will begin by saying: “I saw something nasty in the woodshed.” Then he will expose his endowed penis.

7:55 p.m. The Fox Radio News people are saying that Allen’s abrupt concession in the Virginia senate race means that he and all of Reality know that when all the votes are counted there Obama will take the state. They are also saying that Underpants has as much chance of taking Ohio as becoming Saturn.

8:12 p.m. The Normal people of Iowa, as expected, refused to go for the man with his legs screwed on backwards. And Fox Radio News has called Ohio for Obama. The only “path to victory” for Captain Underpants now lies in another Universe.

8:13 p.m. At Romney headquarters, say the Fox people, all is silent “except for the monitors.” None of the humans are speaking, or even moving. It is like some Russian SWAT team pumped that poison gas in there that they use to “rescue” hostages by killing them.

8:16 p.m. Fox Radio News wakes up and notices that Oregon has voted for Obama. By their electoral count, that makes the black man a re-elected president. It is accomplished.

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9 Responses to “It Is Accomplished III”


  1. 1 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Every time you call him Captain Underpants, I think of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Captain_Underpants

    In our town of 50,000, I was voter #984. My polling place isn’t the only one in town, but still. I voted at 7:00pm. The workers were excited that they “might actually get a thousand!”

    Election worker: Can I see your I.D. please?
    Me: I’m not supposed to have to show it.
    Election worker: I didn’t say you had to show it, I asked if I could see it.
    Me: *blinks, then hands it over*
    Election worker: Thanks.
    Me, later, mumbling to David: Well. That wasn’t sneaky at all. :/

    • 2 bluenred November 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm

      What is that insane nonsense with the poll worker? Is she part of those “The Catholics Are Attacking” contingent that plagues your region?

      A town of 50,000 hopes for 1000 voters? Is this a place that has like 40,000 children? Some sort of snakes’ nest of orphanages? ; 0

      • 3 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm

        It was a male poll worker. But seeing as he lives in this area, he is likely part of the Catholic Cavalcade, yes. I brought my I.D. (just in case) but I wanted to point out (nicely) that voters were not required to show it. I was too surprised by his sneaky comment to do much more than blink.

        Well, there are probably another four or so polling places in town, so that equals out to about 10,000 people per polling place. 1,000 out of 10,000 is pretty sad. Though David points out that this area has a higher than average number of teenage mothers. Also, it kind of is a snake’s nest of orphanages, in a way. David went to school with a ton of foster children.

        • 4 bluenred November 6, 2012 at 8:38 pm

          The Bedbug, also known as Newt Gingrich, back when people paid attention to him, wanted to scatter orphanages like seeds across the land. Perhaps your region was a sort of secret pilot project for this brainshower.

          Why are there male poll workers? They can’t be trusted with votes. There should be force fields set up at every polling place that would inflict electric shocks on any male that attempts to work a poll.

          • 5 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 6, 2012 at 9:46 pm

            Why did he want to scatter orphanages?

            Why can’t there be male poll workers?

            • 6 bluenred November 6, 2012 at 10:15 pm

              The Bedbug pronounced that orphanages are superior to welfare. Unmarried women would have their children snatched away from them; they would receive no government benefits, and their children would go into orphanages supervised by kindly old men like Spencer Tracy. This much I remember for sure; he might also have wanted women to be forced to bear children, abortion having been outlawed, and then if the women didn’t want the children, they could go to Spencer Tracy.

              Why can’t there be male poll workers? Because males are just . . . wrong.


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