Cane Mutiny

Once upon a time, about thirty or so years ago, I was charged with combing the public prints for news strange and unusual, to be offered to readers weekly as examples of What Can Happen.

I recall then coming upon a report of a very old woman who one evening was compelled to whip out her cane and commence whomping the bejesus out of her equally aged husband’s testicles, as he sat there in his wheelchair, “because he wouldn’t listen to me.”

Well, I thought at the time, prob’ly won’t read anything like that ever again.

Oh, foolish youth.

For now comes the report of 87-year-old Dorothy Desjardins, who took a pistol to 88-year-old husband Peter, because she was convinced the old reprobate was carrying on an affair with her hairdresser.

Fitfully literate Springfield, Missouri police-people record this:

On 11/05/2011 officers were dispatched to 2941 E. Lamonta Drive in reference to a domestic assault where a female had shot a male. Upon their arrival, they contacted Desjardins and P.E.D. in their living room. When P.E.D. told the officers Desjardins had shot him in the arm she made several spontaneous utterances. Some of those statements included, “He had it coming. He was cheating on me,” “I’m not mad at him anymore,” “I caught him folling around,” “I intended to scare the shit out of him,” “I wasn’t going to kill him,” “I just went a little bit beserk,” and “I did what I intended to do to scare him.”

Before firearms entered the fray, Desjardins asserted to her husband that the hairdresser had confessed all to her. Her husband denied all charges, claiming the only time he ever laid eyes on this hairdresser was when she was laying hands on his wife. Tiring of his wife’s continuing accusations, he retreated to their bedroom. She then came roaring in on her walker, and proceeded to toss books at him.

Next:

When Desjardins ran out of books to throw she picked up P.E.D.’s revolver from nearby shelf. P.E.D. said Desjardins then started flinging the revolver around in the air and he told her to stop because she didn’t know how to handle it. P.E.D. said it was at that time that Desjardins pulled back the hammer and fired the revolver at him. P.E.D. said he had his right arm covering his face when the gun went off.

The projectile pierced said right arm. However, the weapon was not loaded with bullets, but instead “fine grain pellets,” most often used on small mammals and reptiles, rather than aged lotharios. An examining physician stated that the victim sustained no “vascular damage,” and that surgery would not be performed to remove the pellets lodged in his appendage.

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3 Responses to “Cane Mutiny”


  1. 1 William Lee January 22, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Floyd, philander that he was in his youth, tiptoed silently through the back-porch door and crept in socked foot. Virgina waited, then snapped the light on. He froze. She took careful aim and shot him in the leg with her .22. “Now, I’ll take you to the doctor, but know this, husband, next time it’ll be in the chest”. That’s a true story, and an old one. Both people are gone now. I knew them on the river.

  2. 3 Comrade Red January 23, 2012 at 7:59 am

    warning shots…not far from river city

    Then there the story of Three-finger Ed and his – this is as true as sunrise – hidden steel barge home. Cops couldn’t find it. A wall of corrugated steel, the normal end of a covered dock made from wood and corrugated sheets. His rust-streaked barge was tied upstream, outside the mental picture of the “marina” precinct in everybody mind, so not perceptible, not see-able. In the wall-grid of 4×4’s and 2×4’s one narrow framed spot would push, swing open-out on hinges you could only see from outside. Step over floating debris and onto his abode. Topsides was a long-neglected work barge. No windows, like entering a ship. A 20′ x 60′ below deck space, two rooms with kitchen and bath – and the regular poker gang met in this river-pirate space.

    Their coats pulled heavy on the pegs. Everybody has a gun on the water. And there was money about, too.

    Black Jimmy, deformed and wonderfully ugly, and his wife, possibly even uglier, were among the otherwise old white guy poker crowd.

    Some white boys, looking for things to steal, were on a little wooden cruiser when the game broke up at midnight. Jimmy n’ wife and the rest of the gang appeared and the boys called Jimmy names – you know. Jimmy and wife went on – but the little cruiser was his and they would sleep aboard that night. When they pushed Jimmy’s wife – and she fell heavily – Jimmy pulled out his .45. Hammer back.

    Click.

    Fair-minded man, he gave them the option – strip naked and jump. He fired several rounds, carefully missing the delinquents. Made nice splashes, pretty flames. The water was freezing. They did. And they all got ashore, naked, muddy, barefooted, and of course they had to go that way to the bar, about a mile up the river, the Dock Holiday…

    Later, when they brought the cops, the sheriff listened, and took the naked boys to jail.

    Practical cops…


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