A Bradenton, Florida man was robbed Tuesday night by Ronald Reagan, who appeared from out of the darkness, dressed in black, accosting the man with a black semi-automatic pistol, demanding he hand over his cash. The man, one Anthony Williams, did so—surrendering to the ex-president some $65—and then Reagan shuffled into the night.
Manatee County Sheriff’s Office officials are searching for a “man in [a] Reagan mask,” but this is Wrong. Because this was no man in a mask. This was Reagan himself.
But what has not been heretofore Revealed is that Ronald Reagan is not, as is commonly assumed, dead. Instead, he has been preserved in a suspended state using said zombie powder. And, as occurred the other night there in Florida, he occasionally shambles into semi-sentience, Gets Out, and Walks Among Us.
That Reagan was zombified should be obvious to anyone who closely observed his presidency. For the powder was from time to time applied even then. Which accounted for his periods of particularly detached and somnambulent behavior.
Also, that when walking among us the zombified Reagan is about robbing people: this should come as no surprise. For he spent a good eight years there in the White House, working like twelve bastards, some of them zombified, in robbing the nation blind.
The victim of this latest Reagan zombie attack delayed reporting the crime to the police because he first felt compelled to consult his pastor. This is understandable. For no earthly power was ever able to stop Reagan. Maybe, figured Williams, somebody connected with a sky-king might do the job.