Buyer Beware

I am for sure believing that “a chaotic used car salesman, nicknamed ‘Scarface,’ with a string of failed businesses behind him,” is at the center of a Web Of Evil. The veritable vortex of a nefarious plot to blow up the Saudi ambassador to the US, as well as 120 or so other people.

Because this is just the sort of man I would want on my A Team, if I were about Big Badness:

“His socks would not match. He was always losing his keys and his cellphone.”

He was perennially disheveled, friends and acquaintances said, and hopelessly disorganized.

Many of his old friends and associates in Texas seemed stunned at the news, not merely because he was not a zealot, but because he seemed too incompetent to pull it off.

[H]e had no interest in religion or politics, and smoked marijuana and drank alcohol freely.

[H]e was hopelessly unreliable. Sam Ragsdale, who runs his own wholesale car business in Corpus Christi, had one word for Mr. Arbabsiar: “Worthless.”

[He] tried his hand at a number of businesses, selling horses, ice cream, used cars and gyro sandwiches, friends said. All of them appear to have flopped, and federal and state records show a trail of liens, business-related lawsuits and angry creditors.

But you know, in the intelligence biz, we just call this “good cover.”

Anyone who believes that a “shambolic” used car salesman is not capable of great mayhem has not been exposed to the horrifying 1980 documentary film Used Cars.

In this truly shocking cinematic expose, a group of used-car peddlers are first seen conspiring to interrupt a nationally televised address by the President of the United States.

Next we are subjected to the violent, obscenity-laced advertisement—in which the auto-anarchists proceed to wantonly shoot and detonate automobiles belonging to a rival car dealer—that these national-security criminals inserted into the presidential address.

Surely such people will not be constrained by Laws or Decency. They are capable of . . . anything. Whatever can be done, they will do. If they feel it Necessary.

I am further compelled to place great credence in the story of the shambolic one, because I have obtained video footage of the US federal agent who cracked the Saudi bombing case, seen here expertly interrogating suspects in an earlier, related investigation:

Not long after the nation was informed of the successful apprehension of the bomb-bearing used-car terrorist Mr. Please Match My Socks, we learned that federal officials had suddenly awakened from a sort of twenty-year Rip van Winkle coma, and discovered that there were Truly Bad Men running amok in Central Africa.

These men are in fact so Truly Bad, that—now that US officials are belatedly aware of them—it has been determined that it is Absolutely Required that American troops be sent to Africa to stem their Badness.

Well. Uh. Okay.

This move comes, I presume, pursuant to the well-known Better Late Than Never and Every Little Bit Helps doctrines.

Almost immediately after the Obama administration announced the dispatch of the Fantastic Four-By-Twenty-Five to the wilds of Africa, a member of Congress proceeded to publicly commence the St. Vitus Dance because the dastardly Chinese are moving nukes around in vast subterranean tunnels.

A leading US lawmaker voiced concern Friday about an extensive tunnel complex designed to house Chinese nuclear missiles.

“This network of tunnels could be in excess of 5,000 kilometers (3,110 miles), and is used to transport nuclear weapons and forces,” said Michael Turner, who chairs a House Armed Services Committee panel focusing on strategic weapons and other security programs.

The tunnels would allow China to launch a nuclear counter-attack if it was hit by a nuclear strike. “It’s almost mind-boggling,” said Mark Schneider, senior analyst at the National Institute for Public Policy.

“It has enormous implications in terms of their view toward nuclear warfare, survivability of their systems and their leadership in the event of war.”

Richard Fisher of the International Assessment and Strategy Center said the tunnel complex could allow the Chinese army to conceal its weapons.

“Do we really know how many missiles the Chinese have today?” he asked.

No, by Gumby, we don’t. And we need us a dern head-count, of them nukes. Just how many of them are there down there? And where are they? And are they maybe . . . breeding? Like giant metallic rats? What in the sam hill do they think they’re doing with all those giant-rat-breeding nukes, those Chinese? Down there underground, like a bunch of chopsticks-wielding moles?

I think we are supposed to be Afraid.

If I were cynical—am I cynical?—I would suggest that Americans are perhaps being conditioned to accept that it is Just Not Possible to pull the defense-department “trigger,” when once the Kabuki Commission announces Failure.

You see, back there in the summer, GOoPers in Congress went stone mad, completely lost whatever marbles they might once have possessed, and announced that they didn’t give a damn if the US defaulted on its debt.

The rest of the world received this news with a weary sigh of “yes, it is as we always feared: the United States is Baby Huey with firearms.”

The Obama administration, and various other assorted Sane People, eventually negotiated a deal with the GOoPer nihilists whereby the latter would grudgingly agree to permit the US not to go into default, in exchange for a passel of spending cuts, and the formation of a Congressional “supercommittee” that would confer Wisdom as to how the US could further whittle down its deficit. To encourage the mandarins of this supercommittee to do the right thing, it was written into the deal that if the Chosen Ones did not come down from the mountain united on some meritorious proposal, “triggers” would “automatically” be fired that would, among other things, require that some $600 billion be excised from the defense budget.

Because crazed nihilstic GOoPers sit among the select of the supercommittee, its failure is a foregone conclusion. These people will no more sanction the sort of tax increases necessary to reduce the deficit than they would the slapping of a child onto the table and setting it afire.

Come Thanksgiving, when the super-dupers are required to release their Wisdom, it will be determined that they couldn’t agree on much of a dern thing. And therefore them “triggers” are just going to have to be fired.

By that time, however, the American people will have been subjected to a parade of horribles that thus far includes: (1) the terrifying Reality that anyone who can’t match his socks may suddenly go wild and decide to bomb an ambassador; (2) the dread menace of African rapers and murderers running amok; and (3) hordes of nogoodnik Chinese making like worms as they transform the earth beneath their feet into a vast, complex, subterranean nuke-warren.

Surely, in such a world, not a single penny can be sacrificed to any so-called “trigger.”

Yea, verily, Arizona Senator John McCain has already manfully announced that he will intervene to Protect The Nation from shambolic car salesman, African walkabouts, and nuke-bearing Chinese weasels.

In the Senate, a leading Republican, John McCain of Arizona, said Thursday that he would champion an effort to prevent any further cuts in military spending, even if the special budget committee fails to find the trillion-dollars-plus in savings required for a deal.

Mr. McCain said that if the so-called super committee failed to reach a deal to reduce the deficit, he would “be among the first on the floor to nullify that provision” calling for sequestration. “It’s something we passed,” he said. “We can reverse it.”

Because, you know, military spending has only “almost doubled since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.” And yet, that’s not enough.



5 Responses to “Buyer Beware”

  1. 1 possum October 18, 2011 at 4:12 am

    Right on. A mix of cynicism with a healthy dose of realism is just what this marsupial needed this morning. Good going as always.

    • 2 bluenred October 18, 2011 at 10:29 am

      Everything in this story is True.

      By the way, I read in your piece over at The Orange Place about the early hominids with “powerful jaws and large molars”—”Nutcracker Man.” I believe that Jay Leno may be a relict of these people. That would explain the truly frightening and seriously malformed lower part of his face.

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