Gun Rites

The nonsense with the bodies: it just won’t stop.

Recently I wrote of the Doritos inventor who was buried with his corn chips scattered on and around his corpse. Which followed the special dispensation granted to the inventor of Pringles, so he could be compacted and laid to rest in a Pringles can.

In that piece, I worried that such a someone like Edward Teller, “father” of the hydrogen bomb, might now decide he needs to be interred in a ceremony in which a thermonuclear bomb is detonated on his grave.

Well, we’re not there yet, but we’re getting close. Because out of Alabama comes word that a couple of good ol’ boys have commenced to cram cremated human remains into shotgun shells and rifle and pistol cartridges, so that people can be involved in shooting and killing shit, even after they’re dead.

The ol’ boys, Thad Holmes and Clem Parnell, call their company Holy Smoke LLC.

“This isn’t a joke. It’s a job that we take very seriously,” [Parnell] said. “This is a reverent business. We take the utmost care in what we do and show the greatest respect for the remains.”

The company, launched in July, shipped out its first two orders on Sept. 16—one from Florida and one from Kentucky—Holmes says.

It has established to promote the service and traffic on it has been growing, Holmes says.

Tim Godwin, a Montgomery landscaping company owner and avid hunter, says he sees no problem with the practice.

“People have had their ashes sprinkled in rivers and the ocean, there have been ashes spread out of airplanes,” he said. “If you love hunting or the outdoors, this really isn’t much different.”

One of the 934 times I desperately wanted to quit the film-critic biz, in despair over the terminally debased tastes of American moviegoers, involved the weekend when The Crow: City Of Angels finished “we’re number one!” at the box-office.

This is a truly execrable film, at every level, but none more so than in plot. You see, at film’s dawn, a guy and his son are kidnapped and beaten and tortured and terrorized and then killed by Bad People. But dad is then summoned up out of the grave by “The Crow,” who instructs him to go forth and kill the Bad People, and anybody else who might seem Bad and in need of Killing, or maybe even just Gets In The Way.

Kool! Let’s just kill and kill and kill and kill! Even when we’re dead! ‘Cause, like, if it’s revenge, it’s Right On!

And so it is written, and so it is done, graphically, sadistically, throughout the entirety of the film. Various other people, places, and things get killed, too; but, you know, life is rough.

Now we can have somethin’ sorta like that in real life. You can die, get burnt in an oven, and then your ashes can be crammed into bullets, so you can go out and kill shit. Even though you’re dead.

There is a wee bit of ferment involving the Holy Smoke people over the issue of whether human ashes might get mixed up in the meat of whatever animals the dead people manage to bring down.

People should take care in with how the meat that is shot with this ammunition is handled, cautions Robert Chapin, a toxicologist[.]

The animal should be killed quickly by the shot, to prevent any possibility of spreading the ashes in the animal’s blood, he says. The area around where the animal was struck should not be consumed.

“I would expect that the ashes would pose less of a problem than any lead pellets historically used,” Chapin says.

Me, I happen to be more concerned about the ash-laced bullets that are going to be flying into human bodies.

Maybe I am just plunging into one of my periodic wallows in deep misanthropy, but it seems to me that this Holy Smoke business will inevitably be used to, a la The Crow: City Of Angels, blow bloody holes in fellow humans.

Because now, thanks to Thad and Clem down there in Alabama, people owned and controlled by the Hatfield vs. McCoy impulse—never letting a “wrong” go unavenged, instead forever cycling through an eternal recurrence of kill and be killed and kill and be killed—can just stuff a loved one’s remains in a shell, and then go hunt down and bang-bang-shoot-shoot them who kilt him. And then the kinfolk of that thar slain one can grind up his body and bones, and put that ol’ ash into a bullet, and then go hunt up and kill that killer.

And so on. And on and on. Forever.

It’s not like we don’t see this sort of knuckledragging every time we open a paper, switch on a TV, dive into a tube.

For instance, after Osama bin Laden got himself kilt by a passel of Navy Seals, the dead man’s kith and kin commenced to cleverly set up an ambush in which they bushwhacked and blew out of the sky a whole helicopter full of Seals. Furiously rending their garments, surviving Seals then promptly hunted up the bin Laden lovin’ triggerman, and laid him bloodily to rest. At which time that man’s clan announced they were fixin’ to lay low, directly, more of them dern murderin’ Seals.

And so on.

Actually stuffing the ashes of dead people into bullets, in which, dead, they can go out and make more dead people . . . well, it lends more of a personal touch.

I predict it’s the coming thing.

Brave new world.


12 Responses to “Gun Rites”

  1. 1 abc October 14, 2011 at 8:45 am

    So all bullets are shot specifically at people?

    Get your head out of your ass and keep your dribble off the internet.

    • 2 bluenred October 14, 2011 at 10:50 am

      Well lookie here, Ferd. It’s a mouth-breathing knuckledragger. Who can’t read. For nowhere does the piece say that “all bullets are shot specifically at people.” Maybe you had a little mini-stroke, while you were reading, and it caused you to see words that aren’t there. Pity.

  2. 3 Elva October 14, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I have ashes of a loved one in my house. Who or what should I go after when i have some of his ashes put in a bullet? To me this seems like a
    terrible thing to do or even to think about. What kind of liquor or drug were
    the two crazies on to think up an idea like this. I would think some kind of
    government agency should look into this.I know we sometimes have the
    government involved in many things that they should not, but this is one that I think should be investigated.

  3. 4 possum October 14, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Oh, boy. You hit a nerve this time. Good on you. Let the knuckledraggers rave right on.

    We have a friend who just attended the 1 year birthday party of a little girl born to some real knuckledraggers. Our friend and her husband gave the child a start on a college fund. The crowd thought that was funny and nothing to be taken as a serious gift.

    Serious gifts included a rifle (the real McCoy, no toy) and a camouflage outfit. Interesting people those knuckledraggers. Too bad they are infecting children these days.

  4. 5 Bob M. October 14, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Knuckledraggers? Really? So if someone happens to have a differnet opinion on a subject than you, that automaticly makes them a braindead troll that crawled out from under a rock? Has it come down to name calling? So if I call you an asshat, that means you’re a limp wristed, egotistical, pseudo-intellectual, leftist, bleeding heart pussy. You understand that it’s just a moniker like descriptive that the “Knuckledraggers” use to describe people like you. And i’m not talking about all people of your particular political bent, I’m just talking about you. I don’t paint all people with the same brush becasue of where they live, the God they whorship, or where they live. But feel free to do so if it makes you feel superior. I stand up for and will defend the constitutional right for you to have freedom of speach. Will you do the same?

    • 6 bluenred October 14, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      The name-calling began with the original yahoo, who urged me to get my head out of my ass, and cease posting dribble.

      Sometimes I respond in kind. This time I did.

      You’re even worse than that nimrod. You are so hopelessly de-evolved that you believe the strongest and most beautiful of all human organs—the vagina—should be employed as an insult.


      As for “free speech,” I printed your comment. Does that make you happy?

      I’ll even throw in a video, as a bonus. NSA intercepts indicate that you spend a lot of time at this, down there in your basement.

  5. 7 Elva October 15, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I hope all of you nasty people will have a great day. The post was well
    written and should be taken as such. Keep your rude replies to yourself,
    It is no fun to read such words.

  6. 9 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    This is Totally Wrong.

    Didn’t they write the names of 9/11 victims on the bombs they dropped on Iraq? I always felt bad for people who died in those attacks and would have been horrified at such an idea. But these people are actually choosing to put their ashes into weapons? Madness.

    Aside from hunting being utterly immoral, doubtless people sometimes ingest gun particles so I guess ingesting these ashes is probably actually less harmful to your body.

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