Fear Of A Gay Pirate

Living in fear is a terrible thing. Sometimes, as with this fellow, it is justified—one is placed, either temporarily or for a sustained period, in a situation where fear is the natural response. And fear is natural: the life force on this particular planet has programmed we creatures to experience fear when confronted with something that might vacate us from the corporeal container. This is why all animals, from mice to men, instinctively flinch at a sudden loud noise: it could be a Doom, that means we might Die.

The trouble comes when people fear things that are not fearsome. When they create and maintain fear that is not at all necessary. In the US, this is particularly a problem with wingers. Too many of them live their lives consumed by fears that are vaporous. This is of course not solely a failing of wingers: the Shriek Shack, for instance, is infested with loud and unruly purported “progressives” (they won’t call themselves “liberals” anymore, fearful of what wingers have done with the word) who live in fear of a black planet. But, most often, it is wingers who win, place, and show, in the Unnecessary Fear Sweepstakes.

Many wingers, as an example, are possessed by the most peculiar fear of non-heterosexuals. They fear non-heterosexuals as a sort of demon—unnatural, predatory, voracious, probably Satanic, hell-bent on converting all and sundry to non-heterosexualism. Why this should be so: beats me. Except it is said, at least in cliché, that we fear what we do not understand. And the Prime Directive of wingerism is to refuse to understand anything at all that is not winger.

And so we have Eugene Delgaudio, a winger from out of Loudon County in Virginia, where he serves on the Board of Supervisors, who has quite publicly Gone Mad, insisting that lust-crazed gay pirates are rampaging through the streets of Tampa, Florida, wantonly non-heterosexualizing everyone in their path.

Delgaudio has long been concerned with the Howling Evil that is non-heterosexualism.

His “Public Advocate” website foams freely on the subject; currently, copious tears of rage are being shed over there, damning those wingers-turned-traitors in CPAC who brazenly dropped their drawers to “cheer homosexuals.”

Delgaudio previously exposed the proposed federal Student Non-Discrimination Act as “a bill to turn America’s schools into indoctrination centers,” all part of an extreme and unnatural Plot to transform America into a Sodom where “men hand-in-hand skip[] down to adoption centers to ‘pick out’ a little boy for themselves.”

In July of 2010 Delgaudio wanted to pluck his eyes out when he beheld the Gomorrah of Washington DC:

It was truly a sight to sicken the soul.

Thousands of men in bright neon bikinis hanging all over each other.

Groups of men and women—it was hard to tell the difference sometimes—acting out their homo-sexual lusts in defiance of all standards of decency and morality.

There were tens of thousands of them flooding the streets.

But he rallied, and that fall claimed to have unearthed a roiling snakes’ nest of non-heterosexuals in the Transportation Safety Administration, ginning up Fear Of Terror in order to lustily feel up innocent air travelers: “It’s the federal employee’s version of the Gay Bill of Special Rights. That means the next TSA official that gives you an ‘enhanced pat down’ could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission.”

And now he’s cottoned on to all those insatiable non-heterosexual pirates who are running amok down in Florida, the state that protrudes from the rest of the US like a nascently stiffening penis.

Here is the letter, in all its unedited glory, that Delgaudio released to The World, to Alert All to The Menace:

January 29th is the 106th annual Gasparilla Pirate Fest in Tampa Bay, Florida.

By all accounts it is quite some event, opening with a real live pirate ship docking at port, and literally hundreds of people in pirate costumes “invade” the city in groups called “krewes”

The event is a full two weeks of seemingly family oriented events, with parades and treasure hunts around the city.

But in recent years Radical Homosexuals have been intent on turning it into a two week alcohol fueled display of public debauchery.

Organizers started by purposefully making the parade route zig-zag so no one could call it a “straight parade.”

Word is that Radical Homosexuals have infiltrated as event organizers to promote homosexual events that are designed to prey upon unsuspecting college students by enticing them to join their “krewes” and help build parade floats in exchange for free alcohol.

When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.

There are even countless stories of any number of immoral sex act being performed by open homosexuals – some even in broad daylight during the event.

Pro-family citizens and churches in Tampa are horrified and unfortunately VASTLY outnumbered and overwhelmed by the popularity of the event.

One mother complained her three year old had witnessed a man performing oral sex on a Jack Sparrow look alike in her front yard.

As long as the Radical Homosexuals run free in our streets, they will continue to spread their debauchery and corrupt our culture.

For the Family,

Eugene Delgaudio
Public Advocate of the U.S.

I simply don’t understand why Delgaudio’s undies should be in such an uproar about non-heterosexual pirates. Because as a certified winger, Delgaudio is required to worship Winston Churchill.

Recall that wingerdom lost all control when The Bad Negro, moving into the White House, shitcanned the bust of Churchill that his predecessor, George II, had placed in the Oval Office. The Bad Negro did this, of course, because he knew Churchill to be a racist, imperialist, anti-semitic, war-maddened sot-hog, whose agents had lashed The Bad Negro’s own grandfather into jail as a “subversive.”

In any event, Churchill once famously observed that British naval tradition consisted of “rum, sodomy, and the lash.” Since the British navy of which Churchill speaks was without doubt the most successful band of pirates in the history of Christendom, transforming a third of the world into a British fief, and since Delgaudio, as a winger, kneels before the altar of “American exceptionalism,” and thereby the right of the US to tell everybody everywhere what to do, all the time, even if by force of arms, then it seems to me that Delgaudio would want the young men and women of these United States to emulate these British pirates. Which would mean that they should immediately and at all times guzzle huge bottles of rum while vigorously buggering one another and merrily striking out in all directions with great studded whips.

For the Greater Glory Of Our Nation, Delgaudio should want his sailors to be saucy pirates. And, judging from the photo above, it looks like Delgaudio could personally use a piratical spiriting away by a saucy sailor. Or two. Or three . . . .


3 Responses to “Fear Of A Gay Pirate”

  1. 1 possum February 14, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    How many times in recent history have we heard such protestations led by the very ones who practice what they rail against? “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.” Maybe we will learn more in time…

    Or not. Maybe just another nut job trying to impose his morals on the rest of the world. Morality is a matter of choice. In Possum Valley we tire of those who wish to instill their variety of morality on our lives.

    • 2 bluenred February 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      It is indeed tempting to speculate that the root of the guy’s obsession is that his deepest darkest desire is to become “sufficiently intoxicated,” and then have “homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk [him] away to God knows where to take advantage of [him] sexually.”

      Then there’s always money as motive. I believe one of the linked pieces says that he makes $40,000 per year as a supervisor, but $150,000 as a nutter.

  2. 3 possum February 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    That price tag makes wingnuttery pretty darned attractive. Some people will sell their soul for a lot less. A few shekels if memory serves correctly worked one time.

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