Mongo: I Am War Man, Hear Me Roar

Mongo tonight went on the television and announced that he is expanding the United States’ 136-year-old war in Afghanistan, “because I am committed to hurting and killing brown people wherever they may be, and that is why all 62,979,879 of you voted for me.”

There had been some concern that the televised address might disastrously slip sideways, as earlier in the day Mongo, the stupidest human in the history of humans, had gazed directly at the sun during the solar eclipse. (An event the sun intended as a protest against the existence of Mongo, and a warning that if the planet does not soon rid itself of Mongo, the sun will go President Trump Views The Eclipse From The White Housecompletely dark, and stay that way.) Because it takes several hours for the retinal damage incurred by staring directly into the sun to manifest itself, there were fears that when Mongo went on the television tonight, to recite the War Man plan, he might suddenly stop reading from the Mongoprompter, and begin shouting “I CAN’T SEE! I CAN’T SEE!”

However, Mongo’s doctor, Harold Bornstein, assured the enemies of the people, after Mongo made it through the speech without going blind, that Mongo “is mostly lizard, and so he has several eyelids. Some of them were safely shut, even while the main ones were open, as he looked into the sun.”

The Mongo speech began with a long opening section in which he regretfully informed the MongoRoids that they cannot serve in the US military if they are going to wear the swastika armbands and give the Sieg Heil salute. He said that such outward displays of Mongoism must be eschewed “because we need a shitload of black and brown people in the military so they can get killed to serve American interests,” which he defined as “my interest in smoking a bunch of meth and diddling my daughter.”

Then Mongo waved the bloody shirt of 9/11—he termed it “a horror of Brown People.” He said that the US military that does not have the Sieg Heilers in it must press on in Afghanistan or else Brown People will come from there and make 9/11s in America on the white people. In this he was basically selling his Afghanistan policy to the MongoRoids as an extension of his Hitler Ban and his Hitler Wall: wherever there is Brown, it must be Confronted, and Stopped.

Mongo then spread like a stain into other brown-people nations. Pakistan he described as “a stupid country” that was “invented by a couple of British drunks over lunch.” He asserted that since there are no Mongo hotels or casinos there, “I see no reason for it at all.” India he bashed for making money that by divine right belongs to the white people, and said: “since they are killing us in trade, they need to get killed in Afghanistan.”

He also vowed that “there will be no more nation-building.”

“I want all the other nations to be raging tire-fires, just like this one,” Mongo said.


Boston Dunks Mongo Pee Party

Fresh off their Nuremberg rally in Charlottesville, Mongo’s Nazis planned Saturday to get their hate on up in Boston. They would masturbate with Confederate flags, ecstatically sing “The Horst Wessel Song,” everywhere give the stiff-arm salute to banners bearing the image of their shitlord, Mongo. Crowning the festivities would be a mass pee-in, in honor of Mongo’s favorite recreational activity.

But something happened on the way to the Wolf’s Lair. Some 40,000 of the Sane and Decent people hit the streets in Boston; the Mongo Pee Party then dribbled right away. The poor pepes were not even able to sing their opening anthem, “Nearer My 599329463d1d1.imageMong To Pee.”

The Sane and Decent people, they had not heeded the advice of the nice white progressive lady Tina Fey, who had urged them to stay home and eat “sheetcake.” No. Instead, they acted on the wisdom of this woman:

To actually advise people to not protest Nazis can only come from someone of immense privilege, from someone whose community actually faces no threat, and from someone who will most likely make it out okay if things go south.

Ignoring Nazis isn’t taking the high road. Protesting and facing potential danger is taking the high road. Obviously, we cannot afford to sit at home. While I wholeheartedly believe “sheetcaking” is a great coping mechanism that can cure many a broken heart, the last time we let Nazis scream into the empty air, it ended up in a fucking genocide.

I’m Tired Of Arguing That I Matter

There’s something demoralizing about having to make the case that you matter.

Yet somehow, it’s all I’ve been doing since Friday night when the events in Charlottesville began.

It leaves little time to process my own hurt and fear as a black person in a profoundly racist moment. Instead, I must go on the offensive. How can I convince the skeptics and equivocators, my friends and neighbors, that yes, the concerns of Americans with darker skin or Jewish surnames are as important as their own? But someone has to do it, or this will happen again.

There is the patient arguing of facts that should be indisputable: no, the Klan members and neo-Nazis marching with torches and shields are not equivalent to the clergy, ordinary citizens, activists and even “anti-fascists” who protested 100_1708_thumb[1]against them. No, there weren’t “many sides” that were equally violent. In fact, violence—the belief that people of color are inferior and should be removed to create a white ethnic state—is the animating philosophy of the white supremacists marching in front of Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee’s statue. Opposing that violence is in no way comparable to the violence itself, and it is disgraceful of the president to say so.

Then there are the analogies, the individual stories, all the more painful for being constantly retold: no—I can’t just “get over it,” because I can’t just take off my dark skin, which permanently marks me as the other. No, they aren’t “just statues”: They bring up personal, painful memories of current racism and marginalization—shall I recount those for you, again? Yes, the fact that Charlottesville’s marchers were willing to mow down protesters and kill an innocent person feels existentially threatening to me, a black woman, the sort of person who is their real target.

The more I explain, the more depressing it becomes. Because there is little so disheartening as having to argue for why your friends, neighbors and countrymen should care about your life. To ask politely why you aren’t valued and propose that they reconsider.

Because that’s really what it comes down to, isn’t it? Does our nation care about its blacks, its Jews, its people of color? How much are their comfort and their safety worth? Are they worth more than the satisfaction that comes with being able to make a dig at “identity politics” and your left-leaning movement of choice? More than a flag or statue that you have some pleasant association with, if any at all? More than your unwarranted commitment to defending an obviously incompetent president? More than the minuscule possibility that hiding out in a pack of Nazis might have been one “very fine” person who shouldn’t be tarred with the same brush?

Each time I allow myself to argue with an obdurate, defensive person about what happened in Charlottesville, or about what Confederate statues mean and why they should go, my own question becomes more obvious. Why would so many Americans rather undergo one million mental contortions than admit that someone else’s safety matters? Why is it so hard for you to care?

The answer, I think, is not one that I’ll like. But perhaps you can take up the burden of explaining that to me.

Christine Emba

He Will March On A Road Of Bones

The Whiter House released a statement Friday saying that The Nazi and Whiter House chief of staff Order Man had “mutually agreed” that this would be The Nazi‘s last day in his job. 

“He has until the end of today to clean out his things,” Order Man said. “If he tries to come back after that, he will be shot down like a dog.”

Order Man described The Bannon-OneOfUsNazi as “a pustule” with “scum invading his face,” and said that everything The Nazi touched while in the Whiter House “will be removed with tongs and thrown into an incinerator.”


If there’s any confusion out there, let me clear it up: I’m leaving the White House and going to war for Twitler against his opponents—on Capitol Hill, in the media, and in corporate America.

The Nazi

The Republican establishment has no interest in Twitler’s success on this. They’re not populists, they’re not nationalists, they had no interest in his program. What Twitler ran on—border wall, where is the funding for the border wall, one of his central tenets, where have they been? Have they rallied around the Perdue-Cotton immigration bill? His natural tendency—and I think you saw it this week on Charlottesville—his actual default position is the position of his base, the position that got him elected.

I feel jacked up. Now I’m free. I’ve got my hands back on my weapons. Someone said, “it’s Bannon the Barbarian.” I am definitely going to crush the opposition. There’s no doubt. I built a fucking machine at Der Sturmer. And now I’m about to go back, knowing what I know, and we’re about to rev that machine up. And rev it up we will do.

The Nazi

Resident Twitler, by asking, ‘Where does this all end’—Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln—connects with the American people about their history, culture and traditions. The race-identity politics of the left wants to say it’s all racist. Just give me more. Tear down more statues. Say the revolution is coming. I can’t get enough of it.

The Nazi

They also claim that Sebastian Gorka, a Bannon ally and another white nationalist sympathizer, may be on the chopping block, too. I hope they fire him by the end of this sentence so it will make Bannon even madder. I doubt that White Walker Stephen Miller goes, but hopefully he gets his somehow, too.


Steve Bannon is much like y’all’s president. He’s racist, he’s pompous to the point that he might suck his own cock, as one former White House communications director might argue, and he loves attention. The only key difference between the two is that Bannon isn’t a complete idiot. Bannon is also a true believer in terms of ideology, whereas Hoghead Cheese Hussein doesn’t really care about anything and is bannon-quote-1000pxlargely fueled by KFC, McDonald’s and narcissism.

While both clowns and their factions are frightening for varying reasons, I must say that I am very much looking forward to the white-on-white crime that’s going to happen as a result of Bannon’s White House ID being chopped and screwed. Bannon will want revenge, and that means he will be harassing his former co-workers and perpetual clowns along with all those Pepe the Frog-exploiting fucks. He’ll go even harder on Gargamel, or House Speaker Paul Ryan, as some refer to him, and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. And knowing Sunkist Stalin, he will tweet something foul about Bannon and really set him off.

Like, please go off, Steve Bannon. What is the white nationalist/white devil equivalent of Lil Jon’s “Bust a nigga head to the white meat, white meat”? Tell Bannon to do that to his former colleagues. Stat.

Let all of those white-hood, neo-Nazi-enabling fucks tear each other down. People have been predicting a conservative civil war for so long. Let the latest happenings on The Real Housewives of White Nationalism be the start of it.

Michael Arceneaux

Yeehaws Desert Mongo

In the hours and days since Mongo swaggered out in the swastika armband, jackbooting around and demanding everyone address him as “Adolf,” the Sane and Decent people across nineteen galaxies have run from him at top speed.

Most recent to leave him are the nation’s Trump-puts-America-first-in-manufacturing-trade-speechcountry musicians, who formerly had remained mum, or eagerly offered him their sisters. Bezos provides here a report on how such dirtclod luminaries as Blake Shelton, Tim McGraw, and Faith Hill are now cleaning their spurs on Mongo’s ass.

Yeehaw megastar Keith Toby has meanwhile reached out to red to announce that tomorrow morning he will release a new anti-Mongo recording. “I jist caint abide him no more,” Toby told red. “There’s somethin’ real wrong with that boy.” Toby shared with red the first lines of his new song, which are reproduced below.

i like to drink some whiskey
and then go crash my truck
when my hound shits on the carpet
i could give a fuck
i’ve diddled some my sisters
my aunts and cousins too
when they test my pee down at the job
it comes back pure homebrew
but a man must have some standards
or he might as well be dead
and so i stand no more with him
who watches hookers pee the bed
Toby says the flip side of this tune will feature his Wall of Voodoo-style rendition of the Johnny Cash classic “Ring Of Fire,” which, he says, “references Mongo’s bunghole.”

Sail Away


What If The Confederacy Had Lost The War?

After watching a clip of an ESPN fantasy football bit where a group of white men “buy” black players from an (also white) auctioneer, I couldn’t kykx32sw2cjrue37jcfwhelp but ask: if this was the idea that received the go-ahead to produce, what the fuck else was on that producers’ meeting whiteboard?

As Pittsburgh Post-Gazette columnist Tony Norman opined earlier this week, I wonder how America would look today if the Union actually won the war. Who knows? Maybe a network might produce a show about that one day.

Damon Young

When I Worked

August 2017
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