The Hardest Part Is To Shoot Ramon

Among the people who will not be inaugurated president today is the strange and unusual slave-holder and Hebrew-fearer Pawn Rawl.

In 2012, the 311-year-old Rawl sought the presidency for something like luvs her sum rawnthe 13th time. But no one wanted him.

He ran non-stop, like some chipmunk on speed, from one end of the nation to the other, and back again, throughout the entirety of the GOoPer primary campaign. But in the end he received only 2,095,795 votes. Or roughly the same number of ballots cast in November for Barack Obama in the city of Chicago alone.

Rawl was a favorite of the extraterrestrials who owned and controlled the 2012 GOoPer primary campaign. And so he was induced to remain in the race even after such falling bodies as the pizza topping (Herman Cain), the bedbug in a skin-suit (Newt Gingrich), the farm animal (Rick Perry), and the raccoon (John Huntsman) had crashed and burned.

Perhaps the high point of Rawl’s campaign was when his eyebrows slid off his face during a televised debate.

For reasons that passseth understanding, Rawl had decided he needed to apply eyebrow toupees. When, there on the TV, the things proceeded to melt and migrate all over his dim-bulb phiz, and in a perfect expression of the hapless mendacity that defines everything about the man, his people announced that “allergies” had caused Rawl to suddenly sprout fake, mobile eyebrows.

When a Rawl hot-air balloon deflated and fell to earth onto some i will shoot the germsroad outside a hamlet in South Carolina, it became apparent that the man was but a pale copy of the humbug Wizard of Oz. But by then no one cared.

Rawl not only failed to attain the presidency, but also gave up this year his seat in Congress, where various assorted Texas yeehaws, retroverts, and knuckledraggers had sent him over the past decade, so that he could periodically take to the floor and there mumble darkly about Money.

Rawl has long been a favorite of the sort of people who shoot speed in both arms and then stay up all night cleaning their guns and obsessing about assaults on the American dollar.

Rawl is a partisan of gold, because he has determined that paper money is crawling with germs spread by black and brown and other Wrong people; precious metals, it seems, can retard both the presence and potency of these germs.

Too, people who should otherwise know better would occasionally hug Rawl to their heavy-breathing bosoms, because he spoke out against the US mucking about in foreign lands, and because he disfavored the surveillance state.

What these people failed to get is that Rawl abjures foreign wanderings because he believes all non-Americans to be a form of monkey. He would not war on them, but neither would he give them a crust of bread. He doesn’t want to get involved, in whatever it is that’s going on out there in the world, because he Knows it is the Work of the Jews.

Similarly, his suspicion of the surveillance state arises from fears that gub’mint boys i'm smelting, smeltingmight interfere with the plans of he and his posse to beat with big sticks any black or brown or red or yellow people who happen to wander into their stores and there attempt to purchase a donut.

Now, in retirement, Rawl can return to his primary concern: Occupy Womb Street. Out on the campaign trail, Rawl made no secret of the fact that in an America According To Pawn, all doctors who performed abortions would be lashed into jail, and so would all the women who sought them.

So much for this “libertarian” protector of “freedom.”

All the vaginas, belong to him.

Here at red, we are occasionally able to access alternative universes.

And so today is presented a dispatch from one such Reality. Find below, the inaugural address, of President Pawn Rawl.

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10 Responses to “The Hardest Part Is To Shoot Ramon”


  1. 1 possum January 21, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Only in America…

    How is it we live in the only nation on the planet which suffers these fools to run for President? How have we managed to sink so very low?

    • 2 bluenred January 21, 2013 at 3:27 pm

      Pawn wasn’t even the worst of the bunch. There was, for instance, the farm animal. Who claims he’s running again in 2016. Says the reason why he came off dumb as a rock in 2012 is because he was whacked out on painkillers. But says that’s over now.

      If you wander through history, you’ll find the froot-loop problem has always been with us. And the rest of the world is not immune. Look at Le Pen, or Putin, or Berlusconi.

      • 3 possum January 22, 2013 at 4:25 am

        It may be true the rest of the world is not immune, but we in America seem to have the largest selection of clowns. It would seem anyone with more than half a brain is staying far from American Presidential politics for the most part. Once in a while we get someone not entirely unacceptable but so many are laughable at the very best and pathetic in so many instance.

        • 4 bluenred January 22, 2013 at 8:19 am

          Maybe it’s because you live here, that it seems so much worse. Maybe if you lived in Turkey, or Belgium, or the Congo, it would seem pretty nasty there too. : /

          • 5 possum January 22, 2013 at 12:49 pm

            Closeness breeds contempt? Or something like that?

            • 6 bluenred January 22, 2013 at 12:59 pm

              Well, you’re just . . . there, and so it’s always all around you. If you lived in Bahrain, and you read about say, Christine O’Kooky, she’d seem odd, but not a head-pounding outrage. I was talking to somebody about this a while ago. How, from here, Berlusconi is clearly an embarrassing goofball. But if we were citizens of Italy, we’d be in a constant ferment, rending garments. : /

              • 7 possum January 22, 2013 at 1:51 pm

                Understandable. The constant bombardment of embarrassment is more than even a marsupial can stand. The O’Kooky reference makes good sense. And we have lots more in Possum Valley. Just not on the national stage yet.

                • 8 bluenred January 22, 2013 at 2:03 pm

                  Yes, there are also jaw-droppingly embarrassing and scary local folks here. People in other climes don’t know about them, but they cause plenty of tsuris here. : /

  2. 9 Norris December 21, 2013 at 8:14 am

    Our children’s first steps, or the first home after
    you were married and so on. As a dog owner you know how unpredictable dog odor can be.
    Being like a tower, it occupies little space keeping the floor space free.

    • 10 bluenred December 23, 2013 at 5:15 pm

      This is without doubt the most amusing spam I have ever received here. I love that dog odor is both unpredictable, and a tower. And that it has something to do with the first home after marriage, and a child’s first steps.


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