“The horror. The horror.”
When I was four years old, and therefore far more in touch with what is really going on than I am now, I received a vision that potato chips had grown tired of being consumed in mass quantities, and were therefore plotting Rebellion.
If memory serves, they ultimately prevailed over the United States Marine Corps—no great feat, anyone can do that, as succeeding decades have amply demonstrated—and retired in peace and serenity to some far island.
I should now note that, some decades on, I have recently received Word from a worker in a potato-chip factory who reports that the chips in his care are becoming unusually restive.
I’ve seen some weird-looking chips, and also “bad” chips, that I’ve tried to throw away, but who resist such efforts.
So: be prepared. If the things soon come boiling out of the bags, bristling with Bad Intentions, don’t say you weren’t warned.
Knowing that centuries of human abuse of the animal, mineral, and vegetable kingdoms will someday, and probably soon, result in even the potato chips taking up arms, I was not at all surprised to learn that, as the American humans enter onto Thanksgiving Day, turkeys in Brookline, Massachusetts have gone totally wild, besieging humans on the streets, in vehicles, even in their homes.
“They were attacking the vehicle,” Karen Halvorson said outside her home in the Aspinwall Hill neighborhood.
After getting in her truck, a neighbor came and ran the birds off but it didn’t stop there.
“Then, the turkeys came and started attacking my front door,” she said.
“I looked back and three of them charged me,” she explained.
She moved to the center of the street to avoid the animals, but it wasn’t enough.
“The turkey flew in my face and scratched my neck,” she said.
Halvorson’s husband has prepared many piles of stout sticks, scattered about the neighborhood, which can be used in combat against the rampaging hordes.
“At least we can throw a stick at them and run into the house,” said Halvorson.
The beasts do not respect even the children.
“Some people are going to work, and they’ve been chased by turkeys,” said Brookline Animal Control Officer Pierre Verrier.
He spends nearly every morning trying to keep the animals away from students at Brookline High School.
“Sometimes I even take a tennis racket to try and shoo them out,” he said.
Humans who attempt to photograph the wishbone terrorists can expect to be attacked maniacally.
Whatever you do, don’t feed them or try to take a picture.
“There was a gentleman who took a picture with a flash and they flew right into his face.”
“I can’t believe we’re living this way,” she said. Town Selectman Nancy Daly is helping coordinate the gathering which she said will likely be held December 6. She wants anyone who has had a run-in with a turkey to attend and tell their story.
A similar meeting was held last week in Newton, where aggressive turkey reports are on the rise as well.
Too late. As anyone who has watched the Alfred Hitchcock documentary The Birds well knows, when once these fine feathered folks decide they’ve had enough: it’s over.
One of the dudes just defeated Captain Underpants. Just sayin’.