Flying On The Ground Is Wrong

Recently we learned that a Mesa, Arizona woman had determined that her husband’s failure to vote November 6 had ripped a hole in the fabric of space/time, thereby singularly enabling the black man to be re-elected president.

This required her to then run down him with the family SUV.

Now we discover that another Mesa woman has been directed to bounce her vehicle onto a runway at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, cruising along with a pacifier in her mouth, in search of a shoe.

[A]n airport operations worker was testing the gate when the small sedan crashed through. The worker promptly notified police and the control tower, which ordered a halt to air traffic operations.

As the car made it onto a runway, [the woman] lost control, then took off again.

A police probable-cause statement said she then hit a portable toilet and kept driving until an officer rammed her car and caused it to spin around and crash into a fence.

Police found [the woman] in the car with a pacifier in her mouth. All she told officers was that she wanted her flip-flop shoe.

Apparently this sort of thing is more or less routine: errant motorists commonly invade Phoenix runways with their vehicles.

In 2005, for instance, a man chased by police crashed through an airport gate and then serenely plowed through the pathways of many jets.
Two years before, joyriding teenagers veered wantonly all over the busy tarmac.
In both incidents, complete chaos ensued, with air traffic completely halted, all sky pilots in the vicinity completely paralyzed by Fear.

It is not right and proper, however, to solely slag Phoenix drivers and pilots for running unutterably wild upon the runways.
For up in Maine, where they like to think they are Sane, a truck last week went a-chooglin’ across a runway, causing a single-engine Cessna to smash into it, and then, in the course of things, crash, and burst into flames.
And the allegedly Sane officials of Maine have now announced that the truck behaved in a way Totally Normal.

Investigators say the driver of the pickup truck that collided with an airplane that crashed at Knox County Regional Airport last week followed proper safety procedures.

A preliminary report issued Wednesday by the National Transportation Safety Board says the driver, Stephen Turner, 62, of Camden, used a common radio frequency to announce his intention to cross the runway before the fatal crash late Friday afternoon.

When no one responded, Turner drove onto the runway. His pickup truck collided with a single-engine Cessna 172 that was taking off with two University of Maine students and one recent UMaine graduate on board.

According to the NTSB report, Turner used a taxiway to follow another airplane out to the edge of a runway.

Turner “held short” of the runway before announcing his intention to cross on the airport’s common traffic advisory radio frequency.

The airport, which has no tower or flight controllers, has a policy that says people in vehicles are supposed to communicate by radio with planes, and vice versa.

The report says Turner “heard no [radio] response nor saw anything on the runway, and he proceeded to cross runway 31.”

The report does not say whether [the pilot] acknowledged Turner’s radio message or whether he even heard it.

The report says Turner saw something “grayish in color”— it does not mention that he felt a collision—before continuing across the runway. At that point, Turner got out of his truck and saw an airplane attempting to climb.

Are you people flying out of Maine? Please don’t.

Meanwhile, back in Arizona, an ur-human firearm-fondler out of Pinetop, a burg located about 150 miles from the Phoenix-runway pinball-machine, has declared that—just so everyone will know he has a burning cross tattooed on his forehead—from his arsenal of death, he shall sell no firearms, at this or any other time, to anyone who voted November 6 for the black man.

No big deal. Obama voters, generally, are evolved beyond the need for firearms.

Silly things. Old and in the way. Long over.

Like planes.

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7 Responses to “Flying On The Ground Is Wrong”


  1. 1 possum November 22, 2012 at 5:01 am

    All the more proof much of our nation is inhabited by some alien species. Or else people are getting crazier by the day.

  2. 3 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 24, 2012 at 1:36 am

    Okay. Note to self: no more connections in Phoenix, just to be safe. At least for the three or so I’ve had, no motorists came barreling onto the tarmac desperately in need of a flip-flop whilst sucking a pacifier. Because it really is the sort of thing that happens around me. :)

    Planes are long over? But I’ve only just gotten over my fear and embraced them as vessels of freedom! Poor timing, it seems.

    The Maine airport had no air traffic controllers? That seems like the first issue…

    • 4 bluenred November 24, 2012 at 1:55 am

      Planes seem exciting, but really they’re dumb.

      Humans, when they could do them—planes—thought them really Kool.

      Because they meant you could get somewhere Faster.

      Not stopping to wonder whether Faster was Better.

      (Also, you could, like, drop bombs on people, while they couldn’t, usually, do shit to you.)

      When humans can teleport, there will be no need for planes.

      Boats will still be fun, though. ‘Cause they’re sexy.

      Planes: sexy, they have never been. Nothing but sterile, planes.

      They will be retired, planes. Eventually, humans won’t even remember them. Except when they blow the dust off some old history book. And then they’ll go: “how quaint.” And: “these people were such nimrods they actually went up in the things?”


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