Song Of Solomon

Draw me, we will run after thee.

—Song of Solomon, 1:4

So far as is known, all was well in the marriage of Holly and Daniel Solomon, denizens of Mesa, Arizona. Indeed, these humans had engaged in reproductive rituals, which, as of last week, had rendered Holly six months pregnant.

Things went sour Saturday morning, though, when Daniel Solomon’s failure to cast a ballot in Tuesday’s presidential sweepstakes caused his wife to run amok. After a bout of full-throated screaming, Holly Solomon boarded the family SUV, and then proceeded to grimly chase her husband around a parking lot, finally running him down and pinning him to a curb.

According to a Gilbert police report, the argument started over her husband’s lack of voter participation in the recent election.

Holly Solomon, 28, apparently believed her family was going to face hardship as a result of President Barack Obama’s re-election.

Solomon’s husband, Daniel Solomon, told police his wife “just hated Obama” and was very angry he was re-elected and blamed the President for problems her family is going through.

Holly Solomon had succumbed to the national pastime: whatever it is, it is Obama’s fault. (As recently noted here, the fact that the hot water ran out before I finished my shower Tuesday: this, clearly, the fault of the black man in the White House.)
Witnesses reported a lot of yelling just before Holly got into a Jeep SUV and began chasing her husband through the parking lot near Gilbert and Elliot roads.
“He got out of the car and she was screaming at him. And he started walking away and she started driving in circles around him and she wouldn’t let him go so finally he took off to try to get away and she ran into him,” a caller told a 911 dispatcher.
Daniel reportedly took refuge behind a light pole while Holly drove around the pole several times while continuing to yell at him.
Police said Daniel tried to run away toward Gilbert Road as Holly pursued him in the vehicle.
She eventually struck her husband and he was pinned underneath, between the vehicle and a curb.

There are no indications that Holly Solomon was controlled by drugs or alcohol. Instead, she was motivated by Hate, Fear, and Weirdness.

As this fellow notes, voters in the state of Arizona Tuesday went for Captain Underpants, awarding the state’s 11 electoral votes to The Loser. Daniel Solomon’s ballot was not required, to accomplish this mission. Arizona was not, this cycle, a swing state (though soon it will be), and Daniel Solomon’s vote could have swung nothing.

Or so it would seem. But perhaps Holly Solomon is an adept, wizened in the ways of the butterfly effect. This is where we learn that all is so connected, that the flap of a butterfly’s wings in the Amazon, can be said to result in a hurricane, thousands of miles away. Perhaps Holly Solomon, she somehow Knows, that if only her husband had voted for Captain Underpants, then All Would Have Been Utterly Changed. In January of 2013, Underpants would have dispatched his people to cart everything out of the White House, onto the lawn, there to be burnt, in preparation for White People once again moving into the White House.

If only . . . Daniel Solomon. Had managed to cast his ballot.

But no. He didn’t. And so: four more years.

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5 Responses to “Song Of Solomon”


  1. 1 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 13, 2012 at 5:17 pm

    I’m going to bookmark this story so that when my friends start having babies, they can show it to their husbands and argue that they are saints comparatively. It makes me wonder if she will use the hormone defense, and if it will be effective. I feel rather bad for their child.

    • 2 bluenred November 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm

      Yeah, when I saw she was pregnant, I wondered if she would argue that the fetal tissue had driven her Mad. It has also been pointed out to me that since this occurred in Arizona, and in the county of Sheriff Joe, it may be difficult to get a jury to convict her, as a sizable portion of the citizenry there probably agrees that those who failed to cast ballots for Captain Underpants should be pursued with large vehicles until they become one with the pavement.

      • 3 Julia Rain (the deviant daughter) November 13, 2012 at 6:28 pm

        Eek. Poor Arizona. I know they are kind of a political laughingstock currently, but I feel that some blame needs to be given to the ungodly heat the place is assaulted with, which undoubtedly muddles brains. Also, those creepy dust-storm things.

        • 4 bluenred November 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

          Intense heat can cause brain bubbles, which can result in permanent brain damage. There is a theory that much of Arizona is so hot because a hunk of skin taken from the surface of Venus has been applied to the Earth there; it is not wholly of the Earth, Arizona, but contains the skin of Venus as well. Venus, as is well known, burns with a heat not conducive to human life.


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