Welcome to Walmeth

It’s time to just rename Walmart, Walmeth. I mean, that’s what people seem to do in there. Manufacture methamphetamine. So why not be up-front about it? Truth in advertising.

Back in December, one Elizabeth Alisha Greta Halfmoon strode into a Tulsa, Oklahoma Walmart and there set up shop, brewing herself some Hitler hooch. Six hours later, she was still at it. Apparently your common Walmeth is so vast and cavernous that it requires many hours for store employees to notice that someone is transforming it into a laboratory.

Now, at the time, one might have been tempted to dismiss this as an Oklahoma thing. For it is known that the people of Oklahoma, they are not the same, as you and I. For instance, they have dispatched to Washington DC to represent them in the United States Senate, Tom Coburn, who is a Cro-Magnon Man.

However, it must now be admitted that Walmeth is a nationwide phenomenon. Seeing as how a woman in St. Louis, Missouri felt compelled to wander round her local Walmeth with a “shake and bake” meth lab in her purse.

When it was discovered that the woman was a roving free-lance chemist, people were filled with Fear.

St. Louis County Police Lt. Mark Cox said if the meth concoction had spilled or leaked, it would have quickly circulated through the store’s ventilation system, contaminating the building and sickening lots of people.

“The sergeant on the scene that helped to dismantle it said that it was cooking when they showed up, and had the potential to become flammable or blow up at any time,” he said.

Security initially pulled the woman and another man aside for shoplifting. Those items were not meth-making ingredients, although Lt. Cox said that investigators wearing gas masks did find pills and chemicals inside a car in the parking lot.

Walmethian shoppers were evacuated from the lab until the Danger could be contained. There they were accosted by newsbeings.

“It’s kind of scary,” one woman said as she stood behind the yellow police tape, waiting for the all-clear to return to her car. “I’m just kind of astonished that somebody would come up here with a meth lab in their purse. And be dumb enough to shoplift on top of it.”

Au contraire. Dumbness too often veritably defines the nation. To wit, the president of the place, [s]elected first in 2000, and then again in 2004.

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12 Responses to “Welcome to Walmeth”


  1. 1 possum June 10, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Only in America is the unbelievable an everyday affair.

    • 2 bluenred June 10, 2012 at 6:54 am

      Do they perform chemistry experiments in the stores ’round your parts? Or has the plague not yet reached your shores?

      • 3 possum June 10, 2012 at 7:05 am

        So far people seem to be cooking in houses. Maybe soon the infection will spread. Stupidity is rampant in Possum Valley as elsewhere. Sometimes we marsupials have to wonder how humankind managed to survive this long.

  2. 4 mieprowan June 24, 2012 at 4:37 am

    Now I am trying to remember where I read that story about the homeless guy who was found in a back niche of Wal-Mart, wearing clothes with tags still on them, cooking up a steak on a gas grill, and who perumptorily blew off the author upon being addressed about his activities.

    I know, I know. But it’s real even if it didn’t happen.

  3. 5 mieprowan June 25, 2012 at 11:13 pm

    we gotta get outta this place.

    Blueness, I have spent decades in despair.

    One gets used to it.


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