Fire In The Hole

Previously on this blog we examined the sadsack who wandered into an Oklahoma Walmart to there brew methamphetamine, the place so vast and cavernous that for many hours No One noticed the criminal chemistry experiment.

And also the Mississippi miscreant who attempted to flee a Winn Dixie with live lobsters wriggling around in his pants. As well as the North Carolina gentleman who sought to celebrate his 45th birthday by absconding from a supermarket with shrimp, rib-eye steak, baby back ribs, and smoked turkey stuffed down his drawers.

Now comes a man who has managed to combine these capers.

David Williams of Mounds, Oklahoma was a passenger in a vehicle tooling along through Okmulgee County early Friday morning, when the driver was pulled over for speeding by Oklahoma Highway Patrol Trooper Shiloh Hall.

During the ritual production of papers, Trooper Hall asked Williams why a noxious chemical smell seemed to be emanating from his person. Williams, he entered a lizard-brain panic state, and burst from the vehicle. Then, during a struggle with the trooper, his drawers exploded.

“After a brief struggle it was determined there was an active meth lab in his pants that burst during the struggle and got all over his body,” said OHP trooper Shiloh Hall.

Medical personnel checked out Williams and the road was closed so emergency crews could clean up the scene.

Williams was booked into the Okmulgee County jail on a complaint of manufacture of a controlled and dangerous substance.

The driver was not arrested. He told authorities that he was transporting Williams to the latter’s semi. Apparently Williams drives the nation’s roads behind the wheel of a massive big rig, while cooking narcotics in his pants.

In Oklahoma, people brew meth in the Walmarts, people brew meth in their pants. The state motto is currently Labor Omnia Vincit, or, “Labor Conquers All Things.” I believe it is time to change that motto. To something like E Pluribus Dumbfuck, or “Meth Labs R Us.”

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3 Responses to “Fire In The Hole”


  1. 1 possum April 29, 2012 at 10:05 am

    The ability of humankind to demonstrate their total lack of any measure of common sense never ceases being an amazement. Pants on fire has all the necessary qualifications now for Preznik candidate including the requisite name recognition. Sad times are upon us.

    • 2 bluenred May 1, 2012 at 1:52 am

      He’s white, and he has a classic white-man American name: David Williams. That should be enough to secure him a seat in the state legislature, there in Oklahoma.

      Too, he is from the town of Mounds, and that would look interesting, in the way they abbreviate the titles for these people: Rep. David Williams (R., Mounds).

      Also, it is doubtful than he is any wackier than Tom Coburn, currently a US senator from that state.

      So, the sky may be the limit, for this fellow.

      • 3 possum May 1, 2012 at 3:29 am

        Long ago two years in OK taught me the real meaning of wacky. We lived in a small town which had its size doubled when students returned to the University. Outside town all was flat. Even a small mound had a name as the country had no real terrain beyond very, very flat. The people had much the same affect in most instances. The finest site ever of OK for this marsupial was the view in the rear view window.


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