Previously on this blog we examined the sadsack who wandered into an Oklahoma Walmart to there brew methamphetamine, the place so vast and cavernous that for many hours No One noticed the criminal chemistry experiment.
And also the Mississippi miscreant who attempted to flee a Winn Dixie with live lobsters wriggling around in his pants. As well as the North Carolina gentleman who sought to celebrate his 45th birthday by absconding from a supermarket with shrimp, rib-eye steak, baby back ribs, and smoked turkey stuffed down his drawers.
Now comes a man who has managed to combine these capers.
David Williams of Mounds, Oklahoma was a passenger in a vehicle tooling along through Okmulgee County early Friday morning, when the driver was pulled over for speeding by Oklahoma Highway Patrol Trooper Shiloh Hall.
During the ritual production of papers, Trooper Hall asked Williams why a noxious chemical smell seemed to be emanating from his person. Williams, he entered a lizard-brain panic state, and burst from the vehicle. Then, during a struggle with the trooper, his drawers exploded.
“After a brief struggle it was determined there was an active meth lab in his pants that burst during the struggle and got all over his body,” said OHP trooper Shiloh Hall.
Medical personnel checked out Williams and the road was closed so emergency crews could clean up the scene.
Williams was booked into the Okmulgee County jail on a complaint of manufacture of a controlled and dangerous substance.
The driver was not arrested. He told authorities that he was transporting Williams to the latter’s semi. Apparently Williams drives the nation’s roads behind the wheel of a massive big rig, while cooking narcotics in his pants.
In Oklahoma, people brew meth in the Walmarts, people brew meth in their pants. The state motto is currently Labor Omnia Vincit, or, “Labor Conquers All Things.” I believe it is time to change that motto. To something like E Pluribus Dumbfuck, or “Meth Labs R Us.”