Of the pseudo-humans bred or assembled by extraterrestrials to serve as the 2012 GOoPer candidates for president, one has already been driven from the race because of the wanderings of his wee-wee. That would be Herman Cain, the pizza topping.
That the wee-wee of The Bedbug, also known as Newt Gingrich, long ran wild across the land: this has been known to many, and for many years. So long as The Bedbug languished in irrelevance, nobody thought much of making much of this.
But once The Bedbug began gnawing his way to the top of the plops—enabled by those GOoPer voters simply unable to stomach as their nominee Captain Underpants, the rag doll sewn by inebriates—then The Bedbug’s meandering member received renewed attention. This culminated in a televised appearance last Thursday by one of his innumerable ex-wives, who basically denounced her former spouse as a cretin and a cad, cravenly compelled to flee wives when once they evince intimations of mortality.
This, as it developed, made no difference to the GOoPer voters of the state of South Carolina. Who, as detailed here, are most focused, when they go to the polls, on whomsoever on the ballot most hates black people. That is whom they will most wuv. And so it was Saturday night. The Bedbug, that being on the ballot with the record of most hating black people for the longest period of time, chewing his way to victory. Though it is true that Captain Underpants remains “the whitest white man to run for president in recent memory,” voters just didn’t perceive his heart to be filled with the requisite hate. Meanwhile, The Grub, also known as Rick Santorum, was regarded, correctly, as a man who hates pleasure, more than anything else. While the fourth candidate remaining in the race, Rugs, a.k.a. The Wizard Of Paul, hates hardest, paper currency.
Prior to the arrival of the South Carolina primary results, appeared in the New Yorker an interesting piece on The Bedbug’s present partner in matrimony. It contains an observation from once and future GOoPer presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, which is reprinted here for the consideration of red readers:
“I hear from friends who are conservative women who say, ‘I will not vote for Newt Gingrich.’ I say, ‘Why?’ ‘He’s walked out on two wives.’ And these are hard-core Republican women—conservative activists, women who put signs up in their yards, make phone calls. And they have bluntly said, ‘I will not vote for him.’ Not ‘I have questions about voting for him’ but ‘I will not vote for him.’ That sort of rocked me back on my heels.” Huckabee added, “I don’t hear that ever from male voters, by the way. What does that tell you? Men are pigs.”