When I inscribed for this blog my impressions of the mid-October Las Vegas debate between the various assorted knuckledraggers and mouth-breathers seeking the GOoPer nomination for president of the United States, a Constant Reader urged urgently in the comments that I further view and review the upcoming public roilings amid the GOoPer clown car on foreign policy.
I am here to confess: in this I tried to do my best, but I could not.
But, after about 15 minutes, I couldn’t bear to look at those people anymore.
It was no longer possible, for just one instance, to take Rick Santorum—having discovered, definitively, that he is a grub in a skin-suit—seriously as anything but an Alien Invader. I could not help but notice, for example, that he has no teeth. And I lived in fear that, as I watched, some sort of leg would burst through, from outta his suit, pushing into view from his grub-true torso.
The horror. The horror.
Newt Gingrich, at the whale end of the stage, seemed to get fatter, every time the camera panned his way. Michele Bachmann’s eyes were something seen nowhere outside of an institution. And Rick Perry is a friggin’ farm animal. He should be debating other farm animals. Like Mr. Ed. Or maybe that pig on Green Acres. Not human beings.
So, after that 15 minutes, I went and laid down, and just listened to it.
And, after a while, it seemed even more alien. Especially because the feed kept cutting in and out. Which just heightened the feeling that these people were broadcasting from a different Reality.
Once, long ago, I turned on my TV, and received a football game that had been broadcast more than a month before. It had got lost out in space somewhere, and then bounced back onto my TV.
This, was sort of like that.
Later, I learned why the feed had cut out. And all over the world.
Because an Extremely Powerful Personage had burst from out of the confines of the bathroom to pray, publicly, that the abomination that was these people, not be permitted to reach the eyes and ears of foreigners.
Twice, this personage, publicly prayed:
Please, god, don’t let there be …foreigners watching….
Please, god, once again . . . Please block any foreign transmissions of this national embarrassment. I’m dyin’ here.
And lo: just as in Days of Old, The Lord did answer these prayers.
And so, Americans were Saved.
But only for the nonce.
Because, ten days later, on November 22, the same bent GOoPer beings went at it again. Again on foreign policy. And this time, the Extremely Powerful Personage, at care on other matters, was not available to blow away the feed. It went out, and everywhere, to everybody.
On this occasion I was unable to dutifully sit, recording, before my screen, because I had earlier been called to Go into the World, and Work. And when I reached temporary fleeting screen, all was almost over.
However, I can here present to you, in this piece, words better than those I might have wrought. For—this time, the feed uninterrupted—the Greek chorus of the beings of Daily Kos offered a scabrous and exact recording of the November 22 proceedings. Liveblogging them, as they occurred.
Their Kos-being offerings for the November 12 event had been decidedly weak. Rendered not really necessary by the interruptions irrupted by the Extremely Powerful Personage.
This time, however, with the EPP away and unaware, they were able to freak-flag-fly, every horror, in neon, and in real-time. That is what is offered beyond the “furthur.” The real-time rending of their garments. Of The People.
The title of this piece, however, and I should note, is from that never-to-be-properly-covered November 12 debate. In which it was written, even before the debate had begun:
This debate is a black hole of apathy. The apathy is so dense that no caring can escape its event horizon (everything in the physical universe beyond their lips).
This, a summation, pretty much, of pretty much most of mammalian “politics,” here in this age.
cast of characters
Michele Bachmann: a crazy person
Herman Cain: a pizza topping; not a president
Newt Gingrich: the Pillsbury Doughboy’s asshole brother
John Huntsman: either forgot to remove his Halloween mask, or is a raccoon
Ron Paul: bewigged old man, shouting at clouds
Rick Perry: a dim-bulb farm animal
Mitt Romney: inflamed temper, itchy underpants
Rick Santorum: a grub in a skin-suit
various and sundry Kossacks
Here’s a world map. Please hold it right side up.
Scene: Republican National Convention stage. The GOP has just nominated Mitt Romney. He comes on stage, waving, reaches the podium. Then suddenly, he turns, reaches for his chin. Mask and wig come off. And it’s . . . Barack Obama. He grins broadly, points to the camera, “Gotcha.” The entire hall is silent. Everyone is stunned.
Whoa, Rick P’s remembered to wear a shirt today! Good day for him.
Anita Perry is in the house. Let’s look for the broadcasting device in her back.
Ed Rollins missing, presumed fed to Newt.
Is that Haystack Calhoun in the blue trunks? No, sorry, it’s Newt Gingrich. Never mind.
Newt looks pregnant with Beevis and Butthead.
Let’s go down the line. How many megatons will each of you drop on Iran?
Mitt begins with a lie about his own 1st name. Wow. Willard.
Mitt’s first word was a lie: “yes Mitt is my real name.” That is bullshit and we all know it, WILLARD!
Rombot’s first lie of the nite: ‘MY FIRST NAME IS REALLY MITT!” Uh, let’s see the birth certificate, Willard.
Our national security has been “downgraded.” What by S&P? I didn’t know we had a national security rating. I hope it’s over 9000.
“Tools like the Patriot Act.” Don’t you mean, “tools like yourselves?”
Newt: We will all be endangered for the rest of our lives. Fearmonger, much?
Santorum speech: Gays, men, dogs, boys, marriage, gay agenda, man on dog, what they did to my name, gays, homosexuals, family values, no I didn’t know those Penn State guys that well, gays, children, values, homosexuals, ……….. gays.
Did Stevie Wonder apply Michele Bachmann’s lipstick?
When did “liberty” become “liberties” and “freedom” become “freedoms,” anyway? I find that creepy for some reason.
Like they could line them up, and pick them off one by one . . . taking the little ones first.
“Homeland” is a creepy word too.
Why is Perry talking about intelligence?
Is he for it or against it?
Is anyone else creeped out by Bachmann’s blinking? Every few seconds she slowly, methodically blinks. She’s like a poorly programmed robot. Also, I swear her right eye and left eye look nothing alike. I feel really bad for nitpicking that kinda stuff, but it’s really CREEPY!
She had electrodes planted in her eyelid muscles. And her campaign staff has the remote.
Now Perry and Michele are blinking creepily at each other. I think it’s sweet.
Apparently Blitz Wolfer is moderating the debate, according to Cain.
Oh wow……Cain is now calling Wolf “Blitz.”
I still can’t believe Wolf Blitzer is his real name. Sounds like something from The Simpsons. ”Rock Hardass.” ”Stud Manly.” ”Death McCrushNuts.”
Republicans: Let’s stay in Afghanistan until the end of time…in case some random insane person decides to be insane…
Fear, fear, fear, fear, danger, danger, danger . . . .
Newt has been rendered momentarily invisible.
He reached critical mass. He’s now dense enough he can bend light around himself.
It’s like Cain isn’t really from this planet. Knows nothing about international anything, quotes Pokemon, makes up names for these sentient biological units with questions he must access from memory implants. Creepy.
Huntsman made Romney look almost as dumb as Perry.
Romney whining to the moderator . . . again. WOLF!!! I GET TO SPEAK!!! COME ON WOLF!!!
Killing OBL showed the world how weak Obama is. Bush was man enough to let him live.
He’s just the first elderly person to be subjected to the Obama death panel.
The amazing thing is: Newt Gingrich looked exactly like he does now in third grade.
Wolf has a woody.
It’s cause Herman called him Blitz. That’s his “special” name.
Cain: Allies should oust Hitler from Afghanistan.
Iran has mountains! The Cain train STRUGGLING not to go off the rails, yet again.
Great: Cain gives away our weaknesses! Now all the other terroristy countries will be building mountains to thwart our military.
Cain: Never attack a woman wearing a pantsuit. Terrain is too difficult.
OMG—the music is like Romans pounding their armor over a roaring flame. Such gravitas!
Commercial break liveblogging!!! Here we go! Ask your doctor if these penis pills are right for you! Fracking is good! No, it’s GREAT! Love, Exxon-Mobil. Coal! Buy coal! When you need to play the Wall Street casino, call us and we’ll lose your money for you! Okay, back to the show…
Wolfowitz. Crap why isn’t this guy in prison?
His beard’s in a halfway house.
Wolfowitz, Kagan . . . Does Milosevic get to ask a question, too?
It looks like most of the audience should be in jail for treason.
Is Dick Cheney there? They seem to have all the old neo-con warmongers from the Bush 43 Administration on the AEI or Heritage payrolls, and asking questions at tonight’s debate. Cheney has an office at AEI too—why isn’t he asking questions?
He’s recharging his heart machine backstage.
Gingrich: “Child labor should clean my house.”
Bachmann: “Bomb Kenya! Obama will cry!”
Folks, I’m seeing a lot of temperament problems here. Sassy. Pouty. Snappy. Fussy. Bitchy. Cranky. Good Lord!
Are those part of the 7 publican dwarfs? Sassy, Pouty, Snappy, Fussy, Bitchy, Cranky and Punch-drunk?
I knew I didn’t watch these for a reason. I had to start drinking to get through this. I mourn our nation. These people make me yearn for Bush.
Newt got me drunk tonight. My drinking words words were: ”profoundly” and “fundamentally.”
Can anyone explain why the wingnuts don’t like Santorum?
They see a statue of the Virgin Mary on the WH lawn, with a parade of other idols every Sunday.
Wolf says: “We’re being seen live, around the world.” I’m officially embarrassed.
And the signal is being bounced into space. Somewhere in the cosmos a mother ship is debating whether they should just fly on past this third planet from the sun or use its death ray on it.
Rick Perry wants to “shut down” the Mexican border. Um, a lot of goods flow through there Rick. I don’t think we can just “shut it down.”
The Houston Airlift. Fly all the goods in.
Cain is an idiot. Please, please . . . go AWAY.
Congress declared him a vegetable.
Mittens: “I am never going to be President and that is making me a little hysterical right now.”
Gingrich: Romney has had only one wife. Not virile.
Newt: “I am a wide and bounteous fountain of self-righteous bullshit, and I will make you sorry any of you ever said you like me.”
Bachmann talks for the first time in an hour. Surprised she remembers English after all this time!
Alright, I’m done with this. Can’t stand anymore. Maybe I can find a rerun of The Big Bang Theory or something…
Michele looks like a pharmacist at CVS in that white coat.
GOP on illegal immigrants: kill some, work others. Why is this so hard?
The GOP really hates “magnets.” If I see one, I’m going to unplug it ASAP.
If Newt repeats himself 3X then it’s fact, right?
That or Beetlejuice appears and announces his candidacy.
Why does Perry look like a sepia-toned photo?
He’s fading out. His future self went back in time to try to salvage his candidacy, and instead he accidentally made his parents not hook up.
Hey Huntsman—you know why everyone wants a nuke? Psychopaths like your stable-mates on stage. Hell, I’m checking eBay myself….
If Mittens is Willard, who’s Colonel Kurtz? Gingrich?
I refuse to believe Ron Paul is not a dummy. He looks just like a ventriloquist dummy. It’s uncanny. Jeff Dunham is lurking around the stage somewhere.
Oh, God, NO!!! Rick, don’t come to Central America. Please.
Perry running on abortions in China! Talk about problems we didn’t know we had.
Chinese abortions are a threat to US security. GOD HATES FORTUNE COOKIES.
Who elects Bachmann, seriously, they need to be removed from the gene pool.
It’s absolutely terrifying that she’s on the intelligence committee. I’m just wondering if that bit about there being 15 unsecured nuclear sites in Pakistan might not have been classified information. She seems to have trouble keeping secrets.
She probably doesn’t get real intelligence info. I’m guessing her role in the committee is serving water to other committee members and having staring contests with the Lincoln Memorial.
Vodka coming out my nose.
Electro-magnetic pulse attack! Hmm, sounds like the SUN could be plotting against us!
Totally plausible. All you have to do is make the sun belch really hard.
Newt says: I am afraid of not one thing but three things. Michelle: I am afraid of more things than anyone else, especially Obama. Ricky Santorum: I am afraid of Google.
Ron Paul: “I’m just afraid!”
Are we getting to the point where they start installing trap-doors?
Well, that sucked.
As in black hole.