Seeing as how there is a Democrat in the White House, the GOoPers have of course embarked on one of their periodic pious jihads against the federal budget deficit. The nation is awash in a sea of red ink, so ululate the GOoPers, and we will all drown like shrieking rats unless a great meat ax is taken at once to nearly every government program extant.
It is extremely telling that the GOoPers’ most consistent cry is that federal spending be rolled back to 2008 levels; the bone-ignorant racist Sean Klannity has been daily pounding that drum for months. Why 2008? Because that is the year before The Negro moved into the White House. The GOoPers explicitly want to roll back time, return to that Golden Age before the slouching coming of The Negro. That there dwells The Negro in the White House—this, these people cannot, cannot countenance. All and everything the GOoPers have said and done since the election returns came in on the evening of November 4, 2008, has sprung from the fact that they simply cannot stomach the reality of The Negro as president. And when the histories come to be written, that is what they will say.
However, in the spirit of bipartisanship, comity, and the new “civil tone,” I am now willing to assist the GOoPers in their crusade to cut federal spending. I have previously explained here why the United States does not need a military, why the Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines can and should be abolished. I recognize that this may be too much for the GOoPers to swallow, all at once, and so my more modest proposal, for the purposes of this piece, is that they begin by wholly jettisoning the Marine Corps. The photo offered above, of Marines serving in Iraq, offers all the evidence that is required to prove that we simply do not need these people. That they are, in truth, and at root, Wrong, Embarrassing, and a Menace.
I am not the first person to suggest that the United States Marine Corps be swept into the dustbin of history. In the spring of 1987, upon hearing that Marines had been responsible for the most humiliating foul-up in the entire Clouseau-like history of American intelligence, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, a more or less decorated veteran of the United States armed forces, proposed that the plug be pulled, forever and at once, on the Marines.
Frances FitzGerald, in Way Out There In The Blue, her masterful account of the American SDI program (born of a movie-induced hallucination suffered by Ronald Reagan), offers many fascinating asides, and one concerns the FUBAR that so exercised Mr. Thompson.
On March 24 [Secretary of State George] Shultz learned there had been a catastrophic security breach at the US Embassy in Moscow. Back in December, Sergeant Clayton Lonetree, a US Marine guard at the embassy, had confessed to passing classified information to a Russian woman with whom he had been having an affair. Subsequently a second Marine guard was said to have confessed to conspiring with Lonetree to allow KGB agents to roam freely through the embassy at night. Since the Marines had combinations to all the safes in the embassy, the KGB would have had access to every secret the embassy possessed.
The news threw the State Department and US intelligence agencies into turmoil. The entire Marine security detachment guarding the embassy was replaced, and, on the assumption that the KGB had installed bugs everywhere inside the embassy, officials communicated in whispers and wrote their dispatches in longhand to be sent to Washington in the diplomatic pouch. Counter-intelligence experts told Shultz that this was the worst intelligence defeat since World War II. Lieutenant General William Odom, head of the National Security Agency, wanted the embassy closed altogether.
In a classic display of displacement behavior, seventy US senators roared a resolution through Congress foaming that Shultz should cancel plans to travel to Moscow to negotiate an arms-control agreement with the Soviets. As by this late date in the wild and wacky Reagan presidency, Sane People had assumed control of the administration’s arms-control policies, those senators were told to go back to bed, and Shultz proceeded on his way.
Thompson covers some of the same ground as FitzGerald, albeit in more colorful language:
The new US Embassy in Moscow was revealed as a snakes’ nest of sex, violence, and disastrous treachery—mainly on the part of trusted USMC security guards, who ran utterly wild at all times on booze and marijuana with women of any persuasion they could get their hands on, including female KGB agents who gained access to everything in the building, from the ambassador’s safe to the CIA code room and the station chief’s top-secret list of every Russian in Moscow on the payroll of US intelligence. All were doomed instantly.
“Our people kept disappearing and our codes were constantly being broken,” said one diplomat, “but nobody could figure out why.” Every time one of the red-alert, fail-safe burglar alarms in the embassy was set off by KGB agents getting into Top Secret files, the sex-crazed Marine guards on duty explained it away as just another routine glitch in the brand-new, high-tech, maze of incredibly complex wiring systems.
It was the state-of-the-art electronics, which the hapless Republican ambassador couldn’t quite understand. He was just another one of Reagan’s rich pencil-necks who didn’t want trouble.
Not even the White House could handle it. The whole squadron was recalled at once and locked up in brigs from Camp Pendleton to Quantico, the main Marine base outside Washington. Two were charged with “espionage,” a death-penalty offense, and the others were busted down to latrine scrubbers.
Thompson then passes his Final Judgement on the Marines, with words that will hopefully be read soon on the floor of the House by Speaker John Boehner, Orangeman and Nazi-hugger, as he zealously pursues his party’s pruning of the federal budget:
The whole Marine Corps should be disbanded, finished off with other useless relics like the Sea-Bees, Hitler Youth and the Lafayette Esquadrille. The USMC has been useless as tits on a boar hog since 1951, when they led the famous “Inchon Landing” for Gen. Douglas MacArthur and saved America from total disgrace in Korea.
That was  years ago, and since then they have done little more than hang around foreign embassies like drunken peacocks and get the nation into trouble. The US Army’s 1st Airborne Division could eat the whole Marine Corps for breakfast and take the rest of the day off for beer and volleyball. The only solution to the “Marine problem” now is to croak the whole corps.
Abolishing the Marines would have no real effect on national military preparedness, and it would cut [a minimum of $29 billion] off the bloated national defense budget—which now must include the billions it will cost to raze the entire new US Embassy compound in Moscow and build another one—a huge concrete igloo with no windows, or maybe a deep underground bunker like the ones Albert Speer used to build. All we really need over there is a roomy place with no bugs or spies or sex-crazed whiskey-wild women from the KGB, or even the ghost of a US Marine. Res ipsa loquitur.