Utah Must Be Stopped

One of the legal secretaries journeyed to Utah for the holidays, attending for a week a family reunion. She returned to our shores bearing a vicious plague, which is now Captain Tripsing through all and sundry.

I awoke with it this morning, transformed into a veritable fountain of phlegm. I hate years where I can’t even get through the first five days without being felled by some noxious non-wellness.

I know that this plague is from Utah, because I feel a powerful need to stockpile food, accumulate nine wives, and commune with the Angel Moroni.

In an attempt to exorcise this Evil, I am turning to Randy Newman’s immortal Utah chant, “The Beehive State.”

Jeebus save us.

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5 Responses to “Utah Must Be Stopped”


  1. 1 possum January 5, 2011 at 9:25 am

    The plague is bad no matter the time of year. Please accept my sincere sympathy. But given my ration of only one episode of the plague per year maybe getting it over early is good. :)

    Best of luck with the recovery. Eat lots of chicken soup.

    • 2 bluenred January 5, 2011 at 9:41 am

      I am armed with many plague-fighting weapons, having recently prepared gumbo, chili, and cajun blackened chicken. If none of those people can conquer this foul beast, I am most likely Doomed. ; (

  2. 3 possum January 5, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Man, do I envy you the diet if not the illness. There are few foods better than fine chili or cajun meats.

    • 4 bluenred January 6, 2011 at 12:32 pm

      Apparently Utah is not only churning out plagues, it is also populated by people who are degenerating into snarling beasts. According to this story, the state’s lieutenant governor and the mayor of Salt Lake City are embarking on a crusade to urge Utahns (extremely strange word, that) “to be more civil, caring, and inclusive.”

      According to Lt. Governor Greg Bell:

      “[I]n the last 20 years, there’s been a crescendo of people being ill-tempered, of being unwilling to discuss, of saying ‘just because I believe it, it’s true and you’re wrong because I’m right,’ that’s just not the way to discuss things.”

      He said people need to be able to explain how they feel “so we can try to get people to come with us, or in the reverse, if we find someone else has a better way of thinking, we can that way.”

      There are five steps Utahns can take to have a more civil and caring Utah: reflect, share, engage, act and contribute.

      They have even established a website, in hopes that Utahns will go there, and learn thereby to be less monstrous.

      • 5 possum January 7, 2011 at 6:14 am

        Seems like a good idea for the entire world. We seem to be drifting into the divided realm with no middle ground or reason for acceptance of others. We humans are in so many ways our own worst enemies.


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