Just in time for Halloween, Aunt Sarah has come screeching down from out of the tundra to make Real our worst nightmares: she will forever stain the name of our nation by running for president in 2012.
That is, if nobody else does.
The ever-imbecilic Nimrod of the North babbled onto Entertainment Tonight to describe her 2012 decision-making process as follows:
“It’s going to entail a discussion with my family [and] a real close look at the lay of the land, to consider whether there are those with that common sense, conservative, pro-Constitution passion, whether there are already candidates out there who can do the job . . . or whether there’s nobody willing to do it, to make the tough choices and not care what the critics are going to say about you, just going forward according to what I think the priorities should be.
“If there’s nobody else to do it, then of course I would believe that we should do this.”
First of all, we know that this “discussion with my family” business is horseshit. She spilled the same sewage about her decision to accept John McCain’s addled invitation to join him on the 2008 GOoPer ticket, claiming to Sean Klannity she put the matter to a “family vote.” But we know from Michael Gross’ October Vanity Fair piece that in this she lied, as she lies about so many things.
The children did not, as Sarah has claimed, have a chance to weigh in on her decision to run for vice president. She did not even deliver the news to them personally; as has been reported, she asked McCain’s campaign manager, Steve Schmidt, to do it for her.
Second, if all that is needed to prevent Aunt Sarah from befouling our land in pursuit of the presidency, is somebody else running for the office “with that common sense, conservative, pro-Constitution passion,” then I am in a position to abort Aunt Sarah’s 2012 candidacy at once. Because I embody all three of those attributes. And although I would certainly prefer almost anything else—even remaining in this cave, dribbling the contents of my brainpan out on to this blog—I am willing, for the good of the nation, the world, and indeed all of the universe(s), to wander the land, for nigh on two years, stuffing into my mouth corndogs and scrapple and Philly cheesesteaks, and spewing out of my mouth platitudes and nonsense and gibberish—a.k.a., seek the presidency—so that Aunt Sarah won’t.
So that’s it, Aunt Sarah. I’m in. That means, by your own terms, you’re out. See ya. Go eat some moose or something.
Finally, it is well that I have made this decision, and so saved our nation from the scourge of Aunt Sarah, because this Entertainment Tonight interview discloses that she is afflicted with multiple personalities: “if there’s nobody else to do it, then of course I would believe that we should do this.” See: “we.” There’s more than one of her in there. This I have suspected all along. In fact, I believe that if we could perceive Aunt Sarah in more dimensions, we would see that there are dozens of heads sprouting from that neck. The ancients knew this woman. She’s a hydra.