Christine O’Kooky, teabagger candidate for the US Senate in Delaware, has released her first television ad, in which she proclaims “I am not a witch.”
Yes, this is Real, and not South Park: the ad can be seen below the “furthur.”
First, however, it is necessary to additionally note that the O’Kooky candidacy is so bizarre, so completely beyond the imaginings of even the nation’s finest satirists, that her campaign this week actually had to admit that O’Kooky & Co. misspoke when they claimed that O’Kooky’s father had been Bozo the Clown.
Last Saturday, a profile of O’Kooky in the New York Times stated that O’Kooky’s father, Daniel O’Kooky, “worked a series of small television roles before scoring his signature gig—playing Bozo the Clown.”
The candidate’s brother, also known as Daniel O’Kooky, had told the Times reporter: “Bozo the Clown is a franchise, and back then, every major city had their own Bozo. [Daniel O’Kooky] was Philly’s Bozo for a time.”
But in the wake of this piece arose great rumblings from the nation’s Bozophiles, who averred that Daniel O’Kooky’s name appears nowhere on the sacred roster of Official Bozos. As will be seen below the “furthur,” Daniel O’Kooky was eventually forced to confess that in truth he had never been a true Bozo, but only a “fill-in Bozo.”
Meanwhile, down in Brazil, the people of that fine country have elected to Congress an actual clown, who campaigned on the slogan “it can’t get any worse.”
Au contraire. Clearly, this man has never been to America.
First, the “I am not a witch” ad. In it, besides denying her witchitude, O’Kooky defames the people of Delaware by claiming “I’m you.”
This ad was necessitated by Bill Maher’s release of old footage from his television show Politically Incorrect, during which recurrent guest O’Kooky, then 31, once confessed:
I dabbled into witchcraft—I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do.
One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar, and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.
Now of course she just made this shit up. That’s what she does. This is a woman whose alienation from the truth is so profound and extreme that even Karl Rove, of all people, who has worked for some of the premier liars of our time, was moved to denounce O’Kooky on national television as a protean prevaricator who hallucinates that “people were following her home to her headquarters, and [n]ow she’s check[ing] each night in the bushes.”
This time O’Kooky’s inability to keep lies from flowing through her lips required that she inaugurate her general-election campaign for a seat in the United States Senate, here in the 21st Century, by denying that she is a practicing witch.
Not that there would be anything wrong, mind you, with a witch in Congress. But no real witch would, as does O’Kooky, denounce masturbation, pronounce being gay “an identity disorder,” opine that teaching teenagers safe-sex reduces them to the level of dogs, reject evolution because monkeys do not instantaneously transform into human beings before our very eyes, remain adamant that scurrying and squealing among us are mice gifted by Evil Scientists with “fully functioning human brains,” or repeatedly bark that “classified information” in her possession Proves that the Chinese are Coming Over Here To Take Over.
Now. On to Bozogate.
After legions of Bozo devotees had determined that O’Kooky’s father had never been an Officially Recognized Bozo, Times reporter Mark Leibovich demanded that Daniel O’Kooky produce his Bozo credentials.
Leibovich describes what happened next:
“Who told you I was Bozo?” he wanted to know.
“Your son,” I said, at which point he confirmed that yes, he was Bozo, but not an official, full-time certified Bozo, more of a part-time Bozo.
“To be an official Bozo, you had to go to a special school in Texas,” explained Mr. [O’Kooky]. He never did. Instead, he was asked to fill-in for the official Bozos whenever they would have to travel out of the Philadelphia area for acting gigs.
“They would leave, I would come in and work for two or three weeks, whatever, until the regular Bozo came back,” Mr. [O’Kooky] said. “I was the fill-in Bozo.” He worked out of a local station in Jenkintown, Pa., he said, adding that station employees did his make-up and hair. He would also do remote appearances, go to supermarkets, meet kids, sign autographs and ride around in the Bozo Mobile. His son Daniel was his assistant.
Before I could press Mr. [O’Kooky] for more information, he ended the phone call abruptly. “Ok, gotta go,” he said, and he was gone, no clowning around.
The saddest aspect of this entire affair is that the most recent polls indicate that nearly 40% of Delaware voters still intend to vote for the truthless spawn of the fill-in Bozo.
The full-time clown Francisco Oliveira Silva, or Tiririca (which means “grumpy”), will now have to devote at least some of his hours to serving as a federal deputy, seeing as how more than 1.3 million Brazilians voted to sentence him to a term in Congress.
Silva grew up in the impoverished northeastern state of Caera, and joined the circus at the age of eight. He has been known since childhood as “the wild boar,” and seems to have first gained fame as a recording artist under that moniker. He is presently a television comedian.
As I was working on this piece, news hit the tubes that his election is now being contested on the ground that he is illiterate. Nonsense. Illiteracy didn’t keep George II from serving two terms as President of the United States.
A professional clown who won a seat in Brazil’s Congress has to disprove a lawsuit claiming he can’t read or write before taking up his mandate, a judge has ruled.
Francisco Oliveira, a 45-year-old television comic better known by his stage name Tiririca, has 10 days to show he is not illiterate, the judge for the central electoral zone in Sao Paulo, Aloisio Sergio Rezende Silveira, ruled late Monday.
The judge overturned another magistrate’s decision to throw out the lawsuit after hearing that a police forensic examination raised suspicions over whether it was Tiririca’s handwriting on his official electoral application.
Under Brazil’s constitution, federal deputies in Congress have to be literate to pass laws.
Shit—10 days? Maybe he can hire United States Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, who tutored Jerry Brown so the latter could pass the state bar. Such a wizard could surely teach this clown how to read and write in ten days.