Archive for June 19th, 2010

Out Of The Midst Of The Fire

The Lord talked with you face to face in the mount out of the midst of the fire.

—Deuteronomy 5:4

A mob of unruly demonstrators, together with a swarm of Facebook ruffians, are attempting to prevent Jesus from rising again.

As recently recounted here, “Touchdown Jesus,” a 62-foot-tall statue of the desert deity located in Monroe, Ohio, was attacked with a bolt of lightning late Monday night, and burned right down to the ground.

Monroe pastor Darlene Bishop, responsible for the mammoth erection, quickly vowed that He would rise again.

Wednesday, however, police were called to Bishop’s Solid Rock Church when a melee erupted during midweek services, naysayers attempting to question Bishop and her husband as to whether Touchdown Jesus might not qualify as the sort of “graven image” debarred by the Second Commandment.

“We don’t,” Bishop responded, “answer questions during service.”

Church security grappled with the heretics, attempting to herd them from the building. During this scuffle, at least one apostate claims to have been threatened and struck by a wild-eyed “Touchdown Jesus” devotee.

Monroe Police Chief Yail Bloor declined to comment on the internecine warfare, telling reporters he was concentrating on “finding the person who burnt Jesus.”

Bloor released a photograph of the fire that consumed Jesus, which he said clearly depicted the head of the person he believes to be the assailant [see photo above].

“The face of the perpetrator is clearly exposed there in the flames, to the upper right, in profile,” Bloor said. “So we are looking for a person with a downturned mouth, a snub nose, a prominent brow, and a pompadour. The person may also possibly be burning. If anyone has seen someone like that, we urge them to contact our department at once.”

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