Archive for June 15th, 2010

War In Heaven

Things are not going well, up there in Big Sky country.

Late Monday night, Somebody hurled a bolt of lightning at a 62-foot-tall statue of Jesus in Monroe, Ohio, setting the thing ablaze, and quickly burning it to the ground.

The outsized deity was known as “Touchdown Jesus,” because his raised arms resembled a referee’s signaling a touchdown. By early Tuesday morning He had been reduced to nothing but a blackened steel structure and some pieces of foam, the latter scooped up by scavengers dredging a nearby pond.

“This meant a lot to a lot of people,” sayeth Monroe pastor Darlene Bishop.

The fire briefly spread to a nearby amphitheater, but petered out in the attic.

Asked about possible suspects, Monroe Police Chief Yail Bloor said that his department was attempting to get in touch with Jehovah. “We know Jehovah killed the same kid, about 2000 years ago, sending him down to get crucified,” Bloor said. “After that happened, and He rose from the dead, people seemed to favor the kid, more than the father. So there may be some bad blood there.”

Bloor said the department had contacted Jehovah’s attorney, Lucifer, who promised to make his client available later this week.

Bloor noted that while it is family feuds that most often result in crimes of this type, his department is also reviewing the files of other registered arson offenders. “Thor and Zeus have a demonstrated fondness for thunder and lightning,” he said. “And they fell from favor pretty hard, once Jesus came along. We’ll be talking to them, too.”

Bishop vowed that the burnt Jesus would rise again. “It will be back, but this time we are going to try for something fireproof,” she said.

Of course, Jehovah, Zeus, Thor—these people can send earthquakes, too.


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